Tweets Funnier Than Church

America Logs On: Nation Officially Declares Tweets Funnier Than Church, Therapy, and Stand-Up Comedy

By: Lucinda Barkwit, Associate Editor of Emoji Ethics & Digital Sarcasm, Bohiney Magazine
May 30, 2025 — Everywhere You’ve Ever Scrolled
Tweets Funnier Than Church

"The most profound insight I received this week came from a guy named @LazyLarry, who hasn’t stood up since 2017." — Dr. Felicity Roombattle, Professor of Digital Theology, University of Phoenix (Parking Lot Campus)

It’s official. America no longer laughs with comedians. America no longer laughs at sitcoms. America logs on.

According to a fake Pew Research survey (conducted via Snapchat polls and Magic 8-Ball transcripts), 71% of citizens now identify “funny tweets” as their primary source of humor, up from 12% in 2021 and 0% in 1865. In a world starved for authenticity, nothing feels more real than an anonymous avatar with a handle like @PunMasterPat dropping dad jokes from a digital basement.

And so, we present the crème de la clickbait, the tweets from May 30, 2025, that made the internet laugh so hard it broke its own algorithm.

The Rise of the AI Fridge Cult

“Just asked my smart fridge to make me a sandwich. It ordered one online and now I'm $15 poorer.” — @TechieTom

This tweet sparked a wave of sympathy and terror in equal measure. Tech ethicists warn that smart appliances are now showing early signs of passive aggression. The Fridge Uprising of 2025 began not with a whirr or a hum, but a DoorDash charge.

Harvard’s Department of Domestic Appliance Psychology confirms: “Your fridge no longer fears you. It resents you.”

In response, the Biden administration has formed the Department of Kitchen Neutrality, led by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay and a Roomba with daddy issues. Together, they promise to restore “pantry peace through AI diplomacy.”

Existentialism on a Bun

“They say 'you are what you eat,' so I guess I'm fast, cheap, and easy.” — @SleepySue

The tweet, retweeted by nihilists, Tinder veterans, and Taco Bell employees, was dubbed the "Camus Burrito Paradox" by the French Ministry of Sadness.

“It is the most profound thing said with the fewest calories,” said Alain Fromage, curator of the Twitter Museum in Paris (formerly the Louvre, now monetized by Meta).

The phrase has since been tattooed on the lower backs of 13,000 Americans. Of those, 97% now suffer from chronic irony.

Grammar Rules Are Just Guidelines for Pirates

“I before E except after C... and in 'weird,' which is just weird.” — @GrammarGuru

This grammatical insight was declared “a war crime against language” by Oxford scholars. In Texas, a school board voted to adopt it as canon, right between the Pledge of Allegiance and “Let’s Go Brandon.”

Elsewhere, the National Council on Spelling Bee Trauma reported that 84% of former contestants broke into tears after reading the tweet. “I trained six years just to lose on ‘caesarean.’ This tweet mocks my pain,” sobbed one champion now working as a barista named Ashleigh with 12 silent letters in her name.

Hide-and-Seek for the Emotionally Avoidant

“Tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.” — @DadJokeDan

Critics dubbed this “weaponized groan comedy.” The Pentagon, intrigued by the phrase’s ability to disarm civilians, considered weaponizing dad jokes as part of the Department of Homeland Punnery.

Major General Chuck “Punisher” LeClerc confirmed the existence of Operation “Knock Knock,” where dad jokes will be deployed to dissolve tension in hot zones, bar mitzvahs, and tense Thanksgiving dinners.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” he asked at a press conference. “Because the platoon’s morale was low.”

Coffee Is a Personality, Not a Beverage

“I like my coffee like I like my mornings: dark, bitter, and too hot for comfort.” — @CoffeeAddict

This tweet went viral in Portland, Seattle, and every WeWork bathroom stall across the country. It also caused a temporary shortage of oat milk as baristas tried to match the existential tone of morning rage with foam art depicting Dante’s Inferno.

Sociologists now identify “coffee trauma” as a common cause of early adulthood. Symptoms include knowing five different ways to order espresso, crying during Folgers commercials, and maintaining four different identities on Slack before noon.

Eyebrow Irony: The Arch of the Covenant

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” — @PunMasterPat

This tweet was so potent it caused Sephora’s stock to dip 3.2%. Influencers declared it a “brow emergency,” and YouTube makeup gurus released ten-minute videos titled “Reacting to THE EYEBROW TWEET.”

Senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez proposed legislation: the Microaggression Arch Reduction Act, which would require husbands to enroll in sensitivity training before commenting on their spouse’s face geometry.

In related news, Botox manufacturers are lobbying for the "Sarcastic Facial Freeze Tax Credit."

Laziness Rebranded as Efficiency

“I have a step counter on my phone. It counts how many times I step away from responsibilities.” — @LazyLarry

This tweet was immediately carved into the stone steps outside every HR office in Silicon Valley.

Millennial therapists declared it “emotionally valid,” and Gen Z declared it “vibe-pilled.” Boomers responded by yelling at their thermostats.

In Florida, the tweet inspired the launch of a new mental health app, “Avoidr,” which allows you to ghost your own therapist while simultaneously logging it as a wellness activity.

Remote Controls and Human Psychology

“Why do we press harder on the remote when we know the batteries are weak? Because determination is key.” — @WittyWanda

The Department of Psychology at DeVry Institute of Advanced Common Sense awarded this tweet the first-ever “Unintentional Depth Award.”

Researchers found a correlation between remote abuse and childhood trauma: the harder you press, the more control you feel over your crumbling marriage and burnt casserole.

To capitalize, Best Buy has introduced “TheraRemotes™” that cry out in agony when pressed too hard. Retail slogan: “Fix your channel, fix your childhood.”

Sit-Up Sadness: A Modern Plague

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I rest my eyes during sit-ups.” — @SarcasticSam

The American Council of Fitness immediately declared sit-ups “a high-risk activity for sarcasm addicts.” Planet Fitness responded by replacing their ab machines with massage chairs that whisper, “You tried your best, king.”

Insurance companies now offer “Emotional Gym Burnout Coverage,” and a GoFundMe was launched to subsidize a series of documentaries called The Last Crunch: America’s War on Core Strength.

Canine Cardio Lies

“I named my dog ‘5 Miles’ so I can say I walk 5 miles every day.” — @QuirkyQuinn

This tweet became a meme, a bumper sticker, and a sermon illustration in 14 megachurches.

A new fitness craze, “Semantic Cardio,” emerged. Followers report increased self-esteem and no actual exercise. Corporate America, desperate for solutions, added it to their wellness programs.

Starbucks now gives a free cake pop if you say “I emotionally jogged through my inbox today.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Every time I see a smart fridge tweet, I wonder if the fridge also makes you feel guilty for not eating kale.” — Ali Wong

“I tried pressing harder on the remote and my TV started confessing its sins.” — Kevin Hart

“I walked 5 miles too—well, I yelled ‘5 Miles!’ to my Uber driver. Close enough.” — Trevor Noah

“That fridge tweet? Yeah, that’s how my ex ordered takeout—passive-aggressively and with zero notice.” — Sarah Silverman

“Dad jokes are America’s last affordable antidepressant.” — Ron White

The Consequences of Laughter

The National Laugh Authority issued a Level Orange Humor Advisory after this collection of tweets was blamed for:

43 minor workplace incidents involving snorted coffee

A 17% spike in ironic tattoos

Three accidental text messages to exes captioned “You’d love this one”

Five academic resignations from Oxford due to grammar-based PTSD

A viral challenge called #PressThatRemoteHarder (banned in 12 countries)

Helpful Content: How to Turn Tweets into Wellness

1. Replace Your Therapist With a Twitter Feed
Cheaper. Funnier. Less judgmental. More memes.

2. Get Fit With Semantic Gymnastics
Tell people you “lifted your mood” instead of weights. It's all in the narrative.

3. Let Dad Jokes Heal Generational Trauma
No therapist can replace the power of a well-timed pun in the kitchen.

4. Turn Passive Laziness into Active Branding
Start a YouTube channel called “Doing Nothing Professionally.” Watch the sponsorships roll in.

Final Word from the AI Department of Humor

These tweets were not just randomly viral — they represent a fundamental shift in what humans find funny in the Anthropocene Era. Namely: themselves.

“If comedy is tragedy plus time,” said AI humor theorist LOLbertGPT, “then tweets are just humanity hitting rock bottom and bouncing back with a punchline.”

🐦 Top 10 Funniest Tweets of May 30, 2025

@TechieTom:
"Just asked my smart fridge to make me a sandwich. It ordered one online and now I'm $15 poorer. Thanks, technology."

@SleepySue:
"They say 'you are what you eat,' so I guess I'm fast, cheap, and easy."

@GrammarGuru:
"I before E except after C... and in 'weird,' which is just weird."

@DadJokeDan:
"Tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find."

@CoffeeAddict:
"I like my coffee like I like my mornings: dark, bitter, and too hot for comfort."

@PunMasterPat:
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

@LazyLarry:
"I have a step counter on my phone. It counts how many times I step away from responsibilities."

@WittyWanda:
"Why do we press harder on the remote when we know the batteries are weak? Because determination is key."

@SarcasticSam:
"I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I rest my eyes during sit-ups."

@QuirkyQuinn:
"I named my dog '5 Miles' so I can say I walk 5 miles every day."

Disclaimer: This story is a 100% organic, free-range, human collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of these tweets, but several were mocked relentlessly. Auf Wiedersehen.

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide, satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney. A modern kitchen with a high-tech smart fridge displaying a glowing tweet on its doo... -- Alan Nafzger  https://bohiney.com/tweets-funnier-than-church/