Sam Bankman-Fried Shaves 20 Years Off Sentence

Sam Bankman-Fried Shaves 20 Years Off Sentence by Turning State’s Evidence…

“My Cellmate Was Quoting Das Kapital — I Had No Choice But to Snitch,” Says FTX Founder

Terminal Island, CA — In a shocking twist that has stunned both crypto bros and armchair revolutionaries, former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has reportedly shaved 20 years off his 25-year prison sentence by flipping like a pancake at a libertarian brunch.

But it wasn’t just corporate fraud he exposed — it was Karl Marx himself.

According to prison officials and a heavily redacted Substack post authored by SBF using a stolen Kindle, the disgraced crypto whiz kid became a model inmate after trading his crypto evangelism for full-blown McCarthyism.

“I used to believe in decentralization,” SBF told reporters through a grilled-cheese-shaped soap. “Now I believe in tattling and trickle-down loyalty points.”

State’s Evidence and the Dialectic of Betrayal

Insiders say SBF agreed to testify in over 73 unrelated cases, ranging from “techno-utopian mail fraud” to “emotionally manipulative astrology cults.”

But the real kicker? He submitted a 400-page denunciation of Karl Marx, which prison authorities described as “the best book report we’ve gotten since Enron.”

The essay, titled “From Each According to His Bail, To Each According to His Bail Bondsman”, reportedly blames Marx for:

Encouraging Caroline Ellison to read “too much” philosophy

Making Alameda Research think “risk” was just a social construct

Inspiring crypto token names like “LeninCoin” and “NFTgulag69”

“The man took 'Das Kapital' and red-lined it like a WeWork lease,” said one assistant warden. “We gave him 20 years off and a commemorative Ayn Rand bathrobe.”

Comrade to Cop Caller: The Radical Rebrand

SBF’s turn from techno-idealist to government informant was not overnight, though close. After a tense poker game with a cellblock Marxist who quoted Gramsci between shivs, Bankman-Fried reportedly screamed:

“This isn’t praxis! This is tax fraud with extra syllables!”

He immediately asked to speak to “the nearest FBI agent or moderate Republican.”

Inmate Loyalty Programs and Sentence NFTs

His cooperation earned him perks, including:

Early release credits

An exclusive Subway punch card good for “one extra olive”

A limited-edition DOJ NFT titled “SnitchCoin”

Rumors swirl that Netflix is already developing a new docudrama, "Breaking Bankman: From Bolshevik to Bounty Hunter."

Tucker Carlson Interview Leaks Audio

In a leaked interview with Tucker Carlson (recorded through the wall with a spoon and a dream), SBF confessed:

“Once you see a man trade Bitcoin for ramen, you realize we were all living in a fantasy. Also, Marx had bad beard grooming and no risk management skills.”

Carlson, wearing a camo bowtie and a frown, asked if SBF believed in redemption.

“Only if it’s tokenized,” he replied.

What the Funny People Are Saying
“He flipped so hard, the prison guards thought he was pancakes.” — Sarah Silverman
“This is what happens when a TED Talk turns state's witness.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“SBF just discovered capitalism… in prison.” — Ron White
“He’s the only guy who went to jail a billionaire and came out a Reaganite.” — Wanda Sykes

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-format satirical cartoon titled 'SBF Testifies in Court While Sweating Over Monopoly Money'. A disheveled cartoon version of a fictional crypto... -- Alan Nafzger

Sources:

Crypto Prisoners Form “Alt-Coinfidence” Support Group, Issue White Paper

Inside Terminal Island Federal Prison, a new inmate alliance known as “Alt-Coinfidence” has launched. Formed by Sam Bankman-Fried, Do Kwon, and a guy named “Ethereum Steve,” the group released a 37-page white paper outlining “re-decentralized emotional healing.” According to the manifesto, prison is “just a hard fork in the blockchain of life.” Members meet weekly in the laundry room, where they mine personal accountability using actual pickaxes. One section of the paper, titled “Proof of Trauma,” proposes a new token called "GUILTcoin," which rewards inmates for honest confessions and vending machine reparations. The group promises no rug pulls—just occasional blanket thefts. A guard, requesting anonymity, said, “Honestly, they’re the most organized inmates we’ve ever seen. They built a DAO out of soap and resolve disputes through rock-paper-scissors smart contracts.” The paper ends with the phrase: “Inmates of the world, tokenize!”

Marxists Riot in Berkeley Over Book-Shredding Emoji Added to ChatGPT

Chaos erupted in Berkeley after news broke that ChatGPT had quietly introduced a book-shredding emoji—📚🗑️—allegedly used in AI-generated satire involving Karl Marx. Hundreds of student-Marxists stormed the campus quad, chanting “Das Kapital Deserves Capitalization!” and “Down with Emojis, Up with Footnotes!” Several protestors clutched laminated copies of The Communist Manifesto, ironically printed on luxury hemp paper. Riot police were deployed but quickly converted to the cause after reading three Twitter threads on dialectical materialism. One sophomore organizer, who majors in “Revolutionary Screenwriting,” stated, “This emoji represents systemic epistemicide.” OpenAI issued a statement clarifying the emoji’s satire was directed at ideological rigidity, not any one economist with a beard that could house raccoons. Elon Musk chimed in via tweet: “Berkeley students need a firmware update.” By nightfall, the emoji was temporarily replaced by a shrugging octopus holding a Che Guevara mug.

Warden Admits Prison Library Now Run Like a DAO

Terminal Island Correctional Facility has gone fully Web3. In a groundbreaking reform initiative—or desperate bid for order—the prison warden announced that the library is now managed as a DAO (Decentralized Autonomous Organization). Every book checkout is voted on by token-holding inmates, and overdue fees are enforced through peer-to-peer pillow negotiations. “We no longer have librarians,” said Warden Chuck “Crypto Daddy” Reynolds. “We have stakeholder-narrators.” Sam Bankman-Fried was reportedly elected “Literacy Facilitator” after proposing a 10:1 book-to-commissary-token staking pool. Inmates earn $READ tokens by annotating Dostoevsky with prison slang and by completing Ayn Rand speed-reading marathons. The Dewey Decimal System was replaced with meme-based tagging, resulting in The Art of War being shelved under “Big Mood.” Asked if the system works, Reynolds shrugged: “Look, no one’s stolen the Nietzsche in three weeks. That’s either a win or a very ominous sign.”

SBF to Teach New Coursera Class: “Ethics 101: How Not to Get Caught”

Coursera has announced its most controversial hire yet: Sam Bankman-Fried, fresh off a 20-year sentence shave, will teach a new ethics class titled “Ethics 101: How Not to Get Caught.” Marketed to MBA students, corporate interns, and morally curious billionaires, the course promises “a masterclass in plausible deniability.” Lecture titles include: “Altruism and You (As a Tax Shelter),” “Offshore Empathy,” and “How to Say ‘I Don’t Recall’ in 13 Languages.” The syllabus ends with a final project where students must embezzle $10 million in simulated tokens and then write an apology letter that includes three literary references and zero admissions of guilt. Critics call the course “peak dystopia,” but Coursera’s stock jumped 19% after the press release. SBF will teach from prison via Zoom, wearing a sweater that says, “Who’s Morally Bankrupt Now?” Class materials include a branded flash drive and a scented candle called “Regret.”

Caroline Ellison Applies to Join Scientology, Claims “Less Cult-y Vibes”

In a move surprising no one and horrifying everyone, Caroline Ellison, former CEO of Alameda Research and SBF’s ex-girlfriend, has applied to join the Church of Scientology. “Compared to crypto,” she told reporters from a halfway house, “this feels downright normal.” Ellison said she found solace in Scientology’s “clean org charts” and “guaranteed afterlife without blockchain dependencies.” Church insiders say she’s been fast-tracked to Level 3 Clear after explaining yield farming with a whiteboard and two oranges. “Her thetan levels were erratic at first,” said one Sea Org member, “but she promised to tokenize them.” Critics accuse her of cult-hopping, but Ellison insists it’s just “a spiritual rebrand.” She also denied rumors that she tried to start her own sect called “The Temple of Tokenology.” When asked what drew her to Scientology, she replied, “I just wanted a pyramid scheme with better uniforms and fewer subpoenas.”

Disclaimer:
This story is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real events is either suspiciously accurate or deeply ironic. Sam Bankman-Fried’s actual sentence reduction involved no denunciation of Marxism… just your typical federal incentivized snitchery.

Auf Wiedersehen.

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-format satirical cartoon titled 'Young Seth Blockchainman Starts His First Crypto Scam'. A younger version of a fictional crypto founder with m... -- Alan Nafzger 1
SBF's Post-Marxist Rants From Prison

“Karl Marx invented a system where everyone shares… and nobody gets rich. It’s basically Open Source without the IPO.”

“Marxism is just capitalism with no customer support and all the bugs left in.”

“I thought Marx was about equality. Turns out it’s just everyone equally broke and waiting for lentils.”

“Reading The Communist Manifesto was like reading a bad crypto whitepaper—lots of theory, no roadmap, and zero liquidity.”

“Marx called religion the opium of the people. I ran a crypto exchange — and I still think that’s offensive to actual opioids.”

“If Marx were alive today, he’d be writing Substack essays about how money is a colonial construct while Venmo-requesting you for brunch.”

“Alameda Research failed because we tried to apply Marxist ‘redistribution.’ It turns out customers hate when their funds get redistributed into my Bahamian penthouse.”

“Marxists say ‘capital is theft’ — I say it’s only theft if your lawyers suck.”

“Every Marxist I met in prison had a commissary balance of $0.27 and three unpaid ramen debts. Inspiring stuff.”

“The only means of production I believe in now is a printing press for snitch reward checks.”

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-format satirical cartoon titled 'SBF Hides Crypto in a Hollowed-Out Copy of Atlas Shrugged'. A fictional cartoon crypto founder with chaotic cu... -- Alan Nafzger
Tucker Carlson Applauds Snitches, Reveals Ayn Rand Tattoo on Lower Back

In a surprising segment on his new underground livestream, Tucker Carlson declared, “Snitching is the highest form of patriotism,” while lifting his shirt to reveal a lower-back tattoo of Ayn Rand riding a bald eagle. Carlson praised Sam Bankman-Fried for “finally embracing the American way: betray your friends for reduced sentencing and possibly a Netflix deal.” Critics were stunned not by his words, but by the tattoo’s font—Comic Sans. Sources close to Carlson say the tattoo was inked after binge-reading Atlas Shrugged and drinking unregulated kombucha. Tucker added, “Rand taught me everything. Mainly, how to be the hero and the victim in every story.” In related news, Rand’s estate declined comment, but issued a cease-and-desist letter to Carlson’s pelvis. Freedom, apparently, now comes with SPF 50 and lower-back regret.

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-format satirical cartoon titled 'Seth Blockchainman Pitches FTX 2.0 to a Room of Skeptical Toddlers'. A disheveled young crypto founder with wi... -- Alan Nafzger 3 https://bohiney.com/sam-bankman-fried-shaves-20-years-off-sentence/