Inflation Now Tracked by Trader Joe’s

Inflation Now Tracked by Number of Times You Cry in Trader Joe’s

CPI Includes New Metric: Tears Per Avocado

By Savannah Steele, National Sobriety Correspondent | bohiney.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning recalibration of economic science, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics announced today that inflation will now be officially tracked by the number of times Americans cry in Trader Joe’s. The updated Consumer Price Index (CPI) formula includes a new sub-metric: Tears Per Avocado (TPA™) — a complex calculation involving organic produce, economic despair, and the audible sound of your soul collapsing next to the free coffee samples.

“The old models didn’t account for emotional devastation,” explained BLS Chief Data Officer Kenneth Slurp. “But when a single avocado costs $3.29 and still has the consistency of a hockey puck wrapped in regret, you cry. That’s real data.”

Trader Joe’s: Ground Zero of Middle-Class Economic Panic

Trader Joe’s — long considered America’s go-to purveyor of fig-based crackers and polenta nobody actually finishes — has become the de facto inflation barometer for middle-class consumers.

“We chose Trader Joe’s because it uniquely blends fiscal anxiety with artisanal despair,” said Dr. Emory Pout, economist and emotional cartographer. “You’ll find a woman comparing oat milk brands while quietly whispering, ‘This can’t be my life.’ That’s economic truth.”

In-store reports confirm a 42% uptick in produce aisle breakdowns, especially near mango salsa displays and seasonal pumpkin ravioli sections.

A whistleblower from a Sacramento location submitted this log:

9:00 AM — Man collapses in cereal aisle upon discovering oat clusters now cost $6.79.

10:15 AM — Mother of three screams into a sourdough baguette after seeing egg prices.

11:03 AM — Elderly couple hugging near banana rack, both sobbing. Bananas still 19¢ each. They’re just tired.

Meet the Metric: What is ‘Tears Per Avocado’?

According to the Department of Emotional Economics (DoEE), the TPA™ system rates grocery-based distress on a five-cry scale:

Micro-Mist – Slight eye moisture. Often provoked by $4 kombucha.

Stream & Sigh – A full tear escapes during almond butter contemplation.

Tarp It Up – Two or more tears land on kale. Someone nearby offers a coupon.

Public Sob – Audible weeping in the gluten-free pasta section.

Full Collapse – Customer seated in the frozen aisle muttering, “I used to have a 401(k).”

“We needed an inflation metric you could feel in your pancreas,” said Dr. Pout. “And honestly, nothing hurts like Trader Joe’s charging $9.99 for salmon with a smug label that says, ‘Responsibly Seduced.’”

White House Statement: “Suffering is Now Quantified”

In a press conference wearing an apron that read Data is Delicious, Treasury Secretary Yellen confirmed the CPI revamp:

“It’s time to modernize inflation tracking. Price of bread? Irrelevant. Price of emotional disintegration in front of seven kinds of hummus? That’s America.”

She continued, “We found that more people understand inflation when they’re holding a $12 wheel of goat cheese in one hand and their last shred of hope in the other. It’s accessible. Relatable. Cry-compatible.”

The Emotional Economy: By the Numbers

According to a 2025 Gallup-Kleenex Poll:

71% of Americans admit to crying in a Trader Joe’s at least once

34% say they cried twice in a single trip

12% say they cried because another customer started crying

4% believe the Trader Joe’s sample guy is secretly a therapist named Gary

Men were more likely to suppress tears until reaching the car, where they weep into an NPR tote bag while eating half-thawed shrimp gyoza.

Psychologists Support Metric Shift

Dr. Lena Bortman, professor of Emotional Analytics at NYU, says CPI has been too “sterile” for decades.

“People don’t understand what a ‘basket of goods’ is,” she says. “But they understand crying over a $7 box of gluten-free crackers that taste like drywall held together with rosemary shame.”

She’s begun publishing monthly Crying Index Reports that track hot zones in grocery stores nationwide:

Whole Foods: High sobbing near nut milks

Costco: Existential despair in bulk toilet paper zone

Trader Joe’s: Everywhere. Just… everywhere.

What the Funny People Are Saying
“If I cry over grapes, is that a fruit tax?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I saw a man cry into his frozen chicken tikka masala. That’s not inflation. That’s culinary surrender.” — Ron White
“Avocados are now $4, and my tears are the only thing keeping them ripe.” — Sarah Silverman
“Trader Joe’s is where hope goes to marinate in coconut aminos.” — Larry David
“I saw the wine section and laughed, then I saw the price and cried, then I bought six.” — Amy Schumer
Field Notes: Observations from the Aisles

Chicago, IL
Customer in yoga pants stood frozen before the wall of bagged greens. Whispered, “I used to eat arugula because I liked the taste. Now it’s for survival.” Cried into a $5.99 spinach spring mix.

Austin, TX
Man audibly wept near the frozen cauliflower gnocchi. When approached, he shouted, “THEY SHRUNK THE BAG AGAIN!” Later seen muttering “supply chains” into a can of lentils.

Los Angeles, CA
Influencer posted breakdown in real time: “Crying in Trader Joe’s: a series. Part 5: when the edamame is out of stock and you have to settle for peas like a peasant.”

Wichita Falls, TX
Man declared, “I’d rather eat my boot than pay $6.49 for non-dairy creamer,” before purchasing three.

New Trader Joe’s Emotional Zones

In response to mounting breakdowns, some locations now feature:

Crying Corners™ — softly lit corners with tissues and nostalgic indie playlists

Therapy Samplers™ — where you can talk to a barista-turned-life-coach while sampling peanut butter puffs

Grief-ception Lanes™ — self-checkout systems that compliment your outfit as your total spirals past $100

Corporate Response

Trader Joe’s released a statement:

“We support Americans expressing emotions over our prices. That’s why we’ve introduced new artisanal tissue boxes, only $3.49, featuring nautical maps of places you can’t afford to visit anymore.”

They've also begun replacing plastic grocery bags with weighted emotional support sacks and are beta testing emotional coupons:

“$1 off if you cry openly.”

“Free banana for emotional stability.”

“Buy one cauliflower crust, get a spiritual crisis for free.”

‘Food Insecurity’ Now Includes Emotional Insecurity

The USDA has expanded its definition of “food insecurity” to include:

The panic of accidentally grabbing the $11 almond butter

Being unable to afford both rent and seaweed snacks

The gnawing guilt of putting back the brioche because “you’re not that kind of person anymore”

The agency’s National Emotional Pantry Index now ranks Americans from “Calmly Shopping” to “Arguing with Inner Child in Ethnic Condiment Aisle.”

Real Eye-Witness Quotes

“I went in for eggs. I left with a $100 receipt and the emotional toll of a divorce.” — Nancy T., Phoenix

“I just wanted wine and frozen dumplings. Then I saw my bank account and felt like a Victorian widow.” — James G., Brooklyn

“The cashier said ‘have a good day’ and I started crying because I knew I wouldn’t.” — Claire R., Denver

“I spent 11 minutes debating whether I could justify organic hummus. I cried, bought it, and ate it in the car while listening to Adele.” — Trina B., Portland

Satirical Case Study: The $3.99 Avocado That Broke America

According to sources, the government’s inflation metrics tipped into emotional measurement mode after the “Avocado Event” of March 2025 in Santa Barbara, where a woman burst into tears holding a $3.99 avocado.

When asked why, she replied:

“It’s not just the price. It’s that it’ll still be hard tomorrow, and then suddenly be brown and mushy with zero in-between. Just like my ex.”

The moment went viral, sparking the #TearsPerAvocado trend.

Within 48 hours:

Trader Joe’s sold out of avocados nationwide

Inflation-themed therapy sessions increased by 64%

The Federal Reserve briefly considered pegging interest rates to guacamole prices

The Biden Administration’s Emotional Inflation Plan

President Biden addressed the nation in an emotionally charged fireside Zoom:

“Folks, I know times are hard. You walk into Trader Joe’s and it’s like a rom-com broke up with your wallet. That’s why I’m proposing the Feel Better Basket Stimulus. Each American will receive a voucher for emotional cheese, three accidental chocolate bars, and a warm note from Trader Joe himself. No, he’s not real, but we’re gonna pretend he is.”

What Does This Mean for the Future?

The Emotional CPI is likely here to stay. Experts predict future metrics will include:

Sobs Per Gas Pump

Scream Per Utility Bill

Cries Per Clickbait Subscription

Unhinged Laughter per Rent Notice

The IMF is reportedly considering adopting TPA™ globally, citing the “emotional integrity of American metrics.”

SpinTaxi Final Thoughts

Once, economists tracked inflation using the price of steel, oil, and bread. Now we track it by how many people cry next to quinoa chips.

Maybe that’s progress.

Maybe real economic reporting doesn’t come from Wall Street, but from the frozen aisle at Trader Joe’s, where a man in pajama pants debates if he’s still the kind of person who buys plantain crisps.

And maybe the soul of the nation isn’t measured in GDP, but in how often we stand in front of the cheese fridge and weep quietly while holding a wedge of fiscal regret wrapped in wax paper.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Sources:

Trader Joe’s Adds Grief Counselors to Floral Department
Department of Agriculture Declares Kombucha an Emotional Narcotic
CPI Report Now Features Stickers, Encouraging “Bravery While Shopping”
Man Weeps Over Mangoes, Fed Declares It A Recession Signal
Trader Joe’s Introduces ‘Buy Now, Cry Later’ Payment Plan
Emotional CPI Index Surpasses NASDAQ, Economists Start Crying Too

Bohiney News -- A cartoon titled 'Inflation Now Tracked by Number of Times You Cry in Trader Joe’s'. The scene takes place inside a quirky Trader Joe's... -- Alan Nafzger  https://bohiney.com/inflation-now-tracked-by-trader-joes/