Bohiney Satrical Journalism

California Budget Achieves Enlightenment, Becomes Invisible to Math By Staff Satirists, Sacramento Bureau of Delusionary Accounting SACRAMENTO — In a heroic feat of budgetary sorcery not seen since Enron’s golden years, California’s Democratic leadership has agreed to a budget deal that technically exists, doesn’t technically balance, and somehow makes a $21 billion deficit feel like a wellness retreat for broke ideas. Sources close to the legislative process described the mood in Sacramento as “jubilantly evasive,” with lawmakers exchanging celebratory kombucha shots and high-fiving their own reflections in ethically-sourced glass. “We’ve decided to delay reality until fiscal year 2026,” said one legislative staffer while setting fire to a calculator. “That’s when accountability will finally come due—at which point we’ll either be in federal office or retired with book deals.” Budget Deal or Magic Trick? As Governor Gavin Newsom struck the final gong in the Budget Room—a space filled...

🥊 Battle Breakdown: MAGA vs. Socialist Democrats 🇺🇸 Chapter One: Rogan's Gusset of Masculinity Let’s set the canvas: Joe Rogan—podcaster, UFC-hype-man, vibrating‑with‑testosterone insurance man—has become a MAGA poster boy. But folks, his 24‑inch biceps are no replacement for 2.2 million missing jobs. With every flex in front of the camera, he screams—“Your heart can’t keep up with your pecs!” As political analyst Dr. Terrence Lopelot from the Institute of Over‑Muscled Ideology (IOI) stated, “When you’re as macho as Rogan but can’t fix policy, you’re just curling hot air.” That’s expert opinion of the “True Buffed Up” school—PDF copy sold separately. Meanwhile, the Liver Moron, AKA Mr. Smoothie-for-President, strides in wearing an organic kale green‑shirt (which is historically left‑wing attire, per the National Vegan Association of Leftist Vegetarians). His green smoothie—1,200 calories, 500 anti-Abramowitz fiber particles—is metaphorical battleground armor against the granite ...

Brad Pitt Burglarized: Hollywood Ransacked, Miscellaneous Items Liberated by Bungee-Bound Bandits LOS FELIZ, CA — In an incident that experts are calling “Ocean’s Three: Direct-to-Crime”, Brad Pitt’s iconic Los Feliz estate, known for its architectural pedigree and emotionally unavailable mid-century lighting, was burglarized by a gang of aesthetically unqualified intruders. The suspects, who reportedly “climbed a fence and used the window like it was Craigslist housing,” fled the scene with what police are calling “miscellaneous property”—Hollywood’s preferred term for “stuff we won’t admit is just yoga mats and artisanal hummus.” This daring act of misappropriation occurred around 10:30 p.m., just as Pitt was away promoting his upcoming film “F1: Fast, Fabulous, & Fifty-Six.” Because nothing says “secure your estate” like scheduling a press tour during prime burglary hours. “They ransacked Brad Pitt’s place—turns out stealing his Doritos was too mainstream.” — Ron White “Brits at...

Trump Demands Ayatollah “Shave Beard Immediately” and Be Replaced by a Clean-Shaven Leader Who “Respects Razors and Democracy” By Staff Writers at Bohiney Magazine — Now 127% Funnier Than The Onion PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump has issued what he calls a “hair-raising ultimatum” to Iran’s ruling clerics: shave the beard, or shave the regime. Speaking at a Mar-a-Lago brunch fundraiser (theme: “Oil and Caviar: A Freedom Celebration”), Trump veered off-script and launched into a follicular tirade. “I’ve seen the Ayatollah’s beard. Folks, it’s not just a beard—it’s a curtain of oppression. You can’t trust a guy who hides half his face and all his intentions!” Trump demanded that Iran’s next Supreme Leader be “clean-shaven, preferably with a strong chin, or at least a visible one.” “Look, George Washington didn’t have a beard. Abraham Lincoln? Okay, but he was honest. The Ayatollah? Not honest. Big beard. Huge. He’s hiding something in there—maybe uranium. Maybe bad bre...

Proud Boys Air Force Launches Airstrikes on Iran, Guided by Rage, Vape Smoke, and a Spotify Playlist Called "Freedom Flex Vol. 6" From their base in Israel’s ultra-secret airstrip “Desmonda,” the Proud Boy Air Force (PBAF) begins a high-octane campaign of geopolitical cosplay with tactical drones, GoPros, and a cargo bay full of Monster Energy. Proud Boys Drone Strike on Diplomacy, Brought to You by Grievance and Beard Oil In an event analysts are calling “historically over-qualified,” the Proud Boys Air Force (PBAF) officially launched Operation “Desert Brostorm” in the early morning hours of June 23rd at 2:12 a.m. Iraq time. The mission? "Make Iran remember why America invented fireworks." The results? Somewhere between a drunken tailgate and a geopolitical incident. Broadcast live on Rumble and narrated by a former Bass Pro Shop assistant manager turned war correspondent, the entire drone assault was accompanied by a Toby Keith soundtrack, a 45-minute Joe Rogan m...

Battle of the Bunglers: Mamdani, Schumer, and AOC Compete in the “Idiot Response Olympics” to Trump’s Iran Strike By Alan Nafzger & The Bohiney Magazine Staff The First-Ever Triple Crown of Dumb Statements In a thrilling geopolitical meltdown televised live on 64 cable news channels, America was gifted the rare, unfiltered, completely unsupervised spectacle of Mamdani, Schumer, and AOC fumbling for moral high ground like toddlers in a bounce house full of landmines. After President Donald Trump launched a massive retaliatory strike against Iran’s uranium facilities—an operation dubbed “Midnight Hammer” (which definitely sounds like either a pro wrestling move or a 1980s divorce dad garage band)—the trio of progressive blowhorns sprinted to the nearest microphone. And what ensued was not debate. It was interpretive dance performed in the language of clichés. Experts dubbed it “The Idiot Response Olympics.” And baby, the gold medals were flying. Mamdani: Live-Tweeting Diplomacy Like ...