Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders' Netflix Documentary America’s Sweethearts Get a Sweet Pay Raise — After Decades of Pom-Poverty For decades, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders were paid in hugs, glitter, and the vague promise of exposure. But now, thanks to a Netflix documentary and a society that finally realized cheerleaders have knees too, they’ve secured a 400% raise. Let that sink in: four hundred percent. It’s the financial equivalent of turning a Hot Pocket into a Michelin star meal. Or a Toyota Corolla into an emotional support yacht. These women, revered as America’s Sweethearts, were paid less than the guy who sells peanuts in Row 37. And this isn’t just a case of underappreciation — this is a full-blown economic sitcom, starring the NFL, capitalism, and several gallons of industrial-strength body shimmer. The Mascot Made More Than the Humans For years, Dallas Cowboys mascot “Rowdy” — a man dressed as a cowboy with a fixed smile and an even more fixed income — was pulling in mor...

Yuan Laughing Yet? Comedians Are Absolutely Roasting China’s Currency By Staff Satirists at SpinTaxi.com — Where the Money’s Fake but the Laughs Are Real In today’s economy, the only thing devaluing faster than the Chinese yuan is its reputation on the global comedy circuit. As China’s renminbi continues its slow, performance-anxiety-fueled drift against the U.S. dollar, stand-up comedians from New York to New Delhi are weighing in—not with economic forecasts, but with merciless punchlines. Once considered the sleeping dragon of international finance, the yuan now finds itself the laughingstock of late-night monologues and underground improv sets. Turns out, you don’t need a degree in macroeconomics when you’ve got a mic and a metaphor about digital surveillance and counterfeit egg rolls. "It’s Not Backed by Gold — It’s Backed by Xi Jinping’s Good Mood." — Ron White, Texas philosopher and professional drinker Ron White recently opened his special on Netflix Asia (cancelled in...

Meatpacking Panic: Americans Flood Job Openings Liberals Swore They’d Never Want By Andrew Chapados (not really) Things That Weren’t Supposed to Happen In the rolling plains of Nebraska, where the smell of freedom mingles with processed beef, something absolutely horrifying has occurred: Americans showed up for work. Yes, after ICE conducted a raid on a local meatpacking plant — resulting in the detention of 76 undocumented workers — the unthinkable happened. Local citizens, actual legal residents, began applying for the vacant positions at a rate that left progressive think tanks sobbing into their copies of Howard Zinn’s Greatest Hits. In just one week, over 200 job applications flooded into the plant — more than the number of arrests. Even more shocking, some of these applicants were sober, over 18, and had never even tweeted "abolish ICE." "I thought these jobs were beneath us," said Kendall Brockman, a 27-year-old Gender Studies major and part-time crystal alig...

Gasoline Now Accepted as Currency in Northern Iran Wedding Dowries With inflation spiraling, banking systems strained, and petrol queues approaching biblical proportions, communities in Northern Iran have now begun accepting gasoline as formal dowry in wedding negotiations. The trend began in Mazandaran, when a groom’s family offered 40 liters of premium unleaded and a Jerry can of “mystery octane” in place of the traditional gold coins and rugs. The bride’s family called it “the most romantic smell since rose water and goat milk.” Local mullahs have updated wedding contracts to include fuel clauses. One form reads: “Do you take this man, and this Shell-certified canister, in engine health and in smog?” Witnesses say families now haggle not over jewelry or real estate, but RON ratings and fuel purity. “If it’s anything below 91 octane, we walk,” said one uncle at a ceremony. Reception halls have also adapted. Some now charge corkage fees in liters, while others offer combo deals: buffe...

UN Issues New Emoji for “Traffic-Induced Existential Despair” In a rare act of cross-cultural empathy, the United Nations today announced the official launch of a new emoji: 😵‍💫🚗💥🌀, dubbed “Traffic-Induced Existential Despair.” The emoji is intended to reflect the emotional reality of urban residents worldwide stuck in vehicles, contemplating the meaning of life while inhaling fumes and listening to radio ads for toothpaste. Iranian drivers immediately identified with it. “This is me. This is my soul,” said one man waiting for fuel in a line so long it had time zones. The emoji is already trending in Tehran, Cairo, Lagos, and Los Angeles. Iranian Twitter users have added it to posts like: “Stuck in traffic for 4 hours, saw my life replay like a soap opera,” and “Found inner peace somewhere between 3rd gear and hallucinating from gas fumes.” UN spokesperson Maria Del Sol explained, “We wanted to create an emoji that says, ‘I am motionless, yet emotionally unraveling.’” An alternate...

Most Americans Delighted a Journalist Got Shot? New Poll Conducted by Gremlins Confirms! In a stunning reversal of everything journalism once stood for, a completely fabricated poll conducted by the Institute for Weaponized Schadenfreude found that 62% of Americans high-fived their TVs after hearing an Australian reporter got hit in the kneecap during the LA immigration protests. The other 38% were reportedly still microwaving popcorn and missed the moment. “Finally, some good news,” says man who’s never read a book According to anonymous eye-witnesses (who were all definitely not Facebook commenters), the mood across middle America was best summed up by Chet Blarney, a retired forklift operator and part-time barstool philosopher from Ohio: “If a journalist gets hit and there’s no camera to film it, did it even happen?” — Chet, holding a QAnon smoothie Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Press Club, Australia’s Prime Minister, and literally every civil rights group in the Western Hemisphere den...

American Man Lost in Himalayas Found Alive After Nine Days, Immediately Asked If He Made It in Time for His Dentist Appointment Family Calls It a "Miracle," Locals Call It “Tuesday.” MOUNT TRIUND, INDIA — After vanishing into the Himalayan wilderness for nine days with no food, no phone, and apparently no clue, 31-year-old American spiritual seeker and part-time kombucha brewer Samuel Vengrinovich has been found alive—gaunt, disoriented, and reportedly asking, “Did I at least find myself?” The California native, who moved to Israel in 2022 “to connect more deeply with hummus,” was reported missing on June 6 after setting off on what he described to friends as a “transformational, non-GMO, two-day mind-hike.” He told fellow travelers he was heading to Mount Triund to “align his chakras with his Fitbit.” His tent, clothes, and phone were discovered abandoned—leading investigators to conclude that either he was abducted by Sherpas or finally achieved enlightenment and wandered ...

Roads Overflowing, Tehran Emptying: A City Flees While Trump Yells “Run!” By Azadeh Moshiri, with satire by SpinTaxi.com’s Shadow Bureau of Panicked Reporting This article is part of a joint human collaboration between a tenured philosophy professor and a dairy farmer with WiFi. Any resemblance to real logic is purely coincidental. Observational Humor: Tehran, the World’s Largest Parking Lot If traffic is the measure of panic, Tehran is winning the gold medal in Anxiety Olympics. With roads “overflowing” and gas stations backed up farther than Trump’s high school prom rejection list, Tehran is now one giant queue with WiFi and the occasional Molotov cocktail. One witness said it took five hours to go 90 minutes, which, by Los Angeles standards, is “a light breeze and open highway.” Tehran traffic is now moving slower than diplomatic peace talks. Even snails are looking out their shells like, “Come on, bro.” Trump telling Iranians to “evacuate immediately” is like asking a whale to leav...

Meta’s $15 Billion Brainstorm: Zuckerberg Forms Secret Superintelligence Lab, Accidentally Invents Another Llama By Staff Satirist, Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s ever seen a tech bro hallucinate on kombucha and power, Mark Zuckerberg has officially unveiled Meta’s plan to build "superintelligence." Not just intelligence. Not even artificial intelligence. But super intelligence. Because regular intelligence is for unpaid interns. According to secret WhatsApp messages leaked from a group called “Recruiting Party” (which tragically had no chips or guac), Zuckerberg is assembling 50 elite coders and thinkers, offering them nine-figure packages to join what he’s calling his “Fantastic Fifty.” The lab’s mission? To make AI that is smarter than you, your therapist, and probably your dog. Combined. “This is a historic moment,” said a Meta spokesperson who may or may not be a hologram. “Zuck doesn’t want to be God. H...

Churro the Revolutionary Raccoon Elected as People's Mascot In an unexpected turn of democratic vermin politics, a trash-loving raccoon named Churro has been elected the official mascot of the fractured “No Kings” protest movement, narrowly defeating a three-legged therapy llama named Justice. Churro, who resides behind the Burlington Food Co-op and is known locally for stealing gluten-free granola bars and biting libertarians, rose to fame after being photographed during a protest gently pawing a Bernie Sanders button before knocking over a compost bin “in symbolic revolt.” Organizers, reeling from internal divisions following the Bernie-as-Emperor scandal, held an emergency woodland caucus where attendees voted via interpretive dance, guttural affirmation, and one lengthy game of hacky sack. Churro won by a landslide after delivering what one protester described as “the most emotionally raw eye contact I’ve ever received from a non-human.” Zines across the northeast immediately e...

Churro the Revolutionary Raccoon Elected as People's Mascot In an unexpected turn of democratic vermin politics, a trash-loving raccoon named Churro has been elected the official mascot of the fractured “No Kings” protest movement, narrowly defeating a three-legged therapy llama named Justice. Churro, who resides behind the Burlington Food Co-op and is known locally for stealing gluten-free granola bars and biting libertarians, rose to fame after being photographed during a protest gently pawing a Bernie Sanders button before knocking over a compost bin “in symbolic revolt.” Organizers, reeling from internal divisions following the Bernie-as-Emperor scandal, held an emergency woodland caucus where attendees voted via interpretive dance, guttural affirmation, and one lengthy game of hacky sack. Churro won by a landslide after delivering what one protester described as “the most emotionally raw eye contact I’ve ever received from a non-human.” Zines across the northeast immediately e...

Pentagon Debuts 'Shark Tank: Defense Edition'—Because Democracy Needs a Ratings Boost The only “sharks” here are defense contractors circling a budget increase. By Buckley "Buzz" Trenchcoat | National Security Fashion Correspondent In a move described by insiders as either "a brilliant strategic innovation" or "a cry for help from a budget drunk on its own spreadsheets," the U.S. Department of Defense has officially premiered its long-rumored reality pitch show: Shark Tank: Defense Edition. The format is simple. Civilian defense startups, rogue inventors, and bored billionaires are invited to pitch their most explosive, invasive, or wildly speculative weapons systems to a panel of military brass and defense contractors in a top-secret bunker that suspiciously resembles a disused Top Chef set. Participants have 90 seconds to make their case. Judges have unlimited time to lean back, stroke their medals, and murmur, “Interesting... but can it launch ...