Bohiney Satrical Journalism

EXCLUSIVE: The Wall Street Journal Interviews Hawk Tuah Girl “I Hawk’d, I Tuah’d, and America Invested in My Throat Coin” By the WSJ’s Least Appropriate Correspondent Setting: A corner booth in a Hooters off I-65 in Nashville. Ambience: Smells like Axe body spray and SEC subpoenas. Interviewee: Haliey Welch, a.k.a. Hawk Tuah Girl — viral sensation, cultural prophet, and part-time crypto empress. Interviewed By: Randall B. Geltman, WSJ Senior Reporter for Moral Panic and Financial Erection Trends. WSJ: Miss Welch, thank you for sitting down with us. You’ve been silent since the SEC began investigating your crypto coin, $TUAAH. Why break your silence now? Haliey Welch: “'Cause baby, silence don’t pay no bills. And neither does crypto, apparently.” WSJ: A lot of people called your coin a pump and dump. Thoughts? Haliey: “If I’m guilty of pumpin’ and dumpin’, it was on Brad from Knoxville, not Ethereum.” WSJ: Were you aware that federal law prohibits unregistered securities offerings? ...

Donald Trump Branding Genius Donald Trump Branding: How One Man Turned Politics into a Lifestyle Merch Pyramid PALM BEACH, FL — When Donald Trump told a cluster of reporters in March 2024, “I became president because of the brand,” the collective national response was a patriotic double-take. The man didn’t credit policy or populism, not even a poorly timed reality show. No. He gave all glory to the glittering gold-plated deity he worships above all: branding. As it turns out, Trump’s campaign wasn’t political — it was a product launch. And like any good launch, it came with hats, slogans, and enough lawsuits to qualify as an episode of “Shark Tank: Dictator Edition.” In a country that knows its Starbucks sizes better than its senators, Donald Trump branding wasn’t just smart — it was inevitable. "Trump didn’t drain the swamp — he built a waterpark over it and made everyone sign NDAs." — Jerry Seinfeld Let’s unpack the golden suitcase of this phenomenon, observation by outrag...

Donald Trump Branding Genius Donald Trump Branding: How One Man Turned Politics into a Lifestyle Merch Pyramid PALM BEACH, FL — When Donald Trump told a cluster of reporters in March 2024, “I became president because of the brand,” the collective national response was a patriotic double-take. The man didn’t credit policy or populism, not even a poorly timed reality show. No. He gave all glory to the glittering gold-plated deity he worships above all: branding. As it turns out, Trump’s campaign wasn’t political — it was a product launch. And like any good launch, it came with hats, slogans, and enough lawsuits to qualify as an episode of “Shark Tank: Dictator Edition.” In a country that knows its Starbucks sizes better than its senators, Donald Trump branding wasn’t just smart — it was inevitable. "Trump didn’t drain the swamp — he built a waterpark over it and made everyone sign NDAs." — Jerry Seinfeld Let’s unpack the golden suitcase of this phenomenon, observation by outrag...

Front Row at the The Ron White Roast “Tater Salad & Regret: A Roast of Ron White” Red Carpet Madness: Tuxedos, Tequila, and One Flaming Cowboy Hat If Texas ever declares independence again, historians will trace it back to The Ron White Roast—a scorched-earth comedy ritual so bourbon-soaked it made the Salem witch trials look like brunch. Held inside a Fort Worth steakhouse that doubles as a gun range on weekends, the roast was billed as “Tater Salad with a Side of Slap.” Guests walked the red carpet, which was technically just a bloodstained carpet salvaged from a failed Whataburger pop-up. The dress code? "Wrinkled denim and financial regret." 🎥 Red Carpet “Highlights” (Bohiney Style) Willie Nelson arrived in a cloud of smoke so thick it delayed three departing flights. Larry the Cable Guy wore a tuxedo vest made of truck tarp and declared, “It’s formal, but fixable with duct tape.” Matthew McConaughey strolled in shirtless, barefoot, and whispered to reporters, “Time ...

Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends Sparks Legal, Moral, and Metaphysical Panic “He’s not dating women—he’s dating licensing agreements,” says baffled lawyer In a scandal hotter than a GPU on overdrive, Bohiney reporters have uncovered that Sam Altman is allegedly dating multiple copyrighted images—yes, the very same ones his AI tools are accused of stealing. Sam Altman's latest image generator is turning heads—and cartoons—by letting users reimagine themselves in “Simpsons”-style portraits. But as Axios reports, the tool is now raising legal eyebrows over potential copyright infringement. While Altman insists the output is “transformative,” critics argue it dangerously toes the line between parody and piracy. Altman's system occasionally refuses prompts using real names or magazine covers, but still allows cartoon parodies of recognizable IPs. Artists and copyright holders are now asking: is this creative freedom, or just digital mimicry in a yellow disguise? In the grea...

Ramadan in Gaza: The Only Fasting App That Comes with Airstrikes Holy Month, Holy Hell In theory, Ramadan is about spiritual reflection, self-discipline, and communal harmony. In Gaza this year, it's about dodging drones, grilling mystery meat over mattress foam, and trying not to break your fast by accidentally swallowing rubble dust. Welcome to the only Ramadan where you don’t just pray for peace—you duck for it. As one Gazan father put it, "We used to count down to iftar. Now we count down to the next Israeli missile." He said this while flipping a pizza inside a gutted microwave-turned-oven powered by sofa cushion stuffing and sheer willpower. We’ve compiled 15 comedic truths based on eyewitness reports, nonprofit statements, and a Ramadan meal plan that includes: 1) hope, 2) expired canned corn, and 3) nothing else. Let’s begin. What the Funny People are Saying "You know your city's in trouble when the most stable structure in town is the UN tent—and it co...