Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Taylor Swift Was NOT Punched in the Face! Millions of Americans Devastated to Learn Taylor Swift Was NOT Punched at the AFC Championship Nation Spirals into Existential Crisis After Fake Story Crumbles Millions of Americans experienced a profound sense of disappointment and outrage upon discovering that  Taylor Swift  was  not , in fact, punched in the face during Travis Kelce’s  AFC Championship  game. The nation, already teetering on the edge of a full  mental breakdown , plunged deeper into despair upon realizing that the viral rumor was completely false. Reports originally claimed that Swift had been violently struck, that police officers laughed at the incident, and that she had been rushed to the hospital—a story so dramatic that it temporarily distracted America from its usual obsession with  fast food  lawsuits and political outrage. But the truth? Nothing happened. And now, millions of Americans are struggling to cope with the fact that, ...

The Holy Smackdown: Tom Homan vs. The Pope The Holy Smackdown: Tom Homan vs. The Articulate Pope A Week-Long War of Words Escalates into a WWE-Style Verbal Cage Match In a recent exchange, former ICE Director Tom Homan responded to Pope Francis’s criticism of mass  deportations , labeling them as a “disgrace.” Homan, known for his firm stance on  immigration  enforcement, defended the practice, emphasizing the importance of upholding U.S. immigration laws. He argued that enforcing these laws is essential for national  security  and the integrity of the country’s legal system.

Jennifer Aniston Proven the Cause of Obama Divorce 10 Lines on Jennifer Aniston Breaking Up the Obamas Jennifer Aniston is like the butterfly in the  Butterfly Effect —except instead of causing a hurricane, she just destroys high-profile marriages. If Jennifer Aniston can break up Barack and Michelle, then I’m pretty sure she’s the reason my parents split in 2003. First, she lost Brad to Angelina, then got blamed for Ben and J-Lo’s troubles… at this point, Aniston should just start a consulting firm for divorce lawyers. This is the biggest  Friends  crossover since Ross married Rachel in Vegas while drunk. Barack binge-watching  Friends  is bad, but Michelle discovering he Googled “Could I BE any more in love with Jennifer Aniston?” was the real problem. If Jennifer Aniston really broke up Barack and Michelle, then we need to assign her to  Putin  next. Let’s see her break up  that  relationship. Forget the Deep State—turns out Jennifer Anist...

John Brennan Loses Security Clearance Traitorous John Brennan Complains About Losing Security Clearance, Demands Emotional Support Spy Network Former CIA Director Now Forced to Read Public News Like a Common Citizen By Sandy McSnark, Funnier Than Anyone at  The Onion WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Former CIA Director  John Brennan  is reportedly in distress after losing his  security  clearance, lamenting that he now has to rely on  Fox News ,  CNN , and that “one guy at the coffee shop who always seems to know too much” for his intel. “I used to have access to the most classified, sensitive intelligence in the world,”  Brennan sighed to reporters.  “Now, I have to  Google  things like some amateur. It’s humiliating.”

The White House Declares War on Censorship The White House Declares War on Censorship: The First Amendment Strikes Back A Nation Once Again Free to Yell ‘Fire’ in a Crowded Twitter Thread WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has the Founding Fathers high-fiving each other in the afterlife, the  White  House has boldly declared that the First Amendment is back in  business . That’s right, folks—your uncle’s conspiracy-laden Facebook rants are officially a protected national treasure once more! President Donald  Trump , in a stroke of populist brilliance, signed an executive order titled  “Restoring Freedom of  Speech  and Ending Federal Censorship.”  Finally, the  U.S. government  has officially retired from its side hustle as the world’s crankiest content moderator. According to administration officials, the executive order aims to roll back federal influence over  social media  platforms, end shadowy backroom flagging operations,...