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Ginger James Bond

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The Ginger Spy Who Came In from Customer Service Britain Melts Down Over Possibly Real, Possibly Imaginary James Bond Candidate By Annika Steinmann | Staff Satirist, The Velvet Bureau LONDON — Somewhere between MI6’s underground briefing room and Amazon’s overly air-conditioned casting office, a man named Scott Rose-Marsh may or may not have auditioned to be the next James Bond. He is allegedly 37 years old, ginger-haired, and previously known mostly to his neighbors, a Tesco security camera, and possibly the assistant director of a Welsh-language crime drama on BBC Cymru. According to industry rumors—those sacred whispers of British media that flutter from publicists’ mouths like heavily-caffeinated butterflies—Mr. Rose-Marsh read from GoldenEye script pages during a June screen test. The only direction? “Do not imitate any previous Bond.” That’s like showing up at the Vatican and being told not to reference Jesus. Or working at IKEA and being told not to use an Allen wrench. In sho...
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The Original Ronald McDonald

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The First  Ronald McDonald America’s First Happy Meal Wasn’t Happy By Clara Olsen — Special to Bohiney Magazine A Face You Thought You Knew Before the clown. Before the commercials. Before the golden arches were a beacon for French fries and ball pits, there was a man in a bright red coat, a yellow waistcoat, and white gloves to the elbows. He called himself Ronald McDonald, and in the summer of 1892, he toured county fairs across the Midwest with a canvas tent he called “The Happy Meal.” Admission was free for children. The light inside was dim. The air smelled of sweet bread and varnish. Each child received a small red paper box with a yellow emblem painted on the side. Inside was a soft bun, a slice of cold meat, a hand-carved wooden toy, and a card that read: “Eat up. Come back tomorrow.” Parents, seeing nothing overtly wrong, allowed their children to enter. But witnesses say the children stepped back into daylight pale and silent. Some refused to eat for days. Others didn’t speak...
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Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan

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Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan: Turning Ukraine Into a Board Game Prize By Ingrid Gustafsson | Satire Desk | August 13, 2025 The Deal of the Century, Now With Complimentary Snowshoes ANCHORAGE, ALASKA --  In a diplomatic plot twist that feels more like a cruise-ship raffle than a Cold War sequel, Donald J. Trump is reportedly heading into the Alaska summit with Vladimir Putin armed with advice that would make a Monopoly hustler blush. The central pitch? Flip Ukrainian land as if it’s a timeshare property, offer “motivated seller” terms, and hope the world confuses concession with peace. Advisors, insiders, and one “anonymous staffer” describe the mood in Trump’s camp as “half real estate auction, half garage sale, all geopolitical migraine.” “This isn’t a peace plan; it’s a yard sale with artillery in the background.” — Ron White The Advice Deck: A Property Flipper’s Guide to Ending Wars According to briefing documents and leaks that probably shouldn’t exist outside a Saturday Night Live s...
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Trump's “Everything Is Fine” Campaign

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Trump Strikes a Nerve with Darkly Humorous “Everything Is Fine” Campaign Trump’s Darkly Funny Campaign Ignites America’s Funny Bone (and Marxist Fury) President Donald Trump has again tapped directly into America's subconscious, launching his newest satirical media blitz, ironically dubbed "Everything Is Fine." Utilizing print, radio, and TV advertisements, Trump's reelection campaign has ignited the usual fury, confusion, and secret admiration from political foes and allies alike. A Fine Line Between Humor and Denial Trump's team, evidently inspired by a cocktail of nihilism, marketing genius, and perhaps excessive Diet Coke consumption, has flooded airwaves and mailboxes nationwide. Posters depict Trump golfing serenely as mushroom clouds bloom gently in the distance, captioned with "Everything Is Fine." One eyewitness from Iowa described the billboards as, "Oddly comforting yet deeply terrifying, like clown art in a dentist's office." Ps...
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Orwellian Rewrite

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Smithsonian Tries Orwellian Rewrite, Trump Responds with Giant Eraser and Even Bigger Microphone “History belongs to the loudest,” declares Trump, as museum curators weep into vintage wigs. WASHINGTON, D.C. — August 4, 2025 —The Smithsonian Institution has reportedly entered its “Orwellian Soft Reboot” phase, attempting to reframe American history with phrases like “unalive outcomes,” “patriotically adjacent events,” and “accidentally colonial incidents.” But just as curators prepared to launch their flagship interactive exhibit, “Memory Hole: Sponsored by Pfizer,” former President Donald Trump marched in with a novelty eraser the size of a Boeing 747 and declared, “We’re making history correct again.” He then renamed the museum the “Trumpsonian: Where History is Beautiful and Mostly About Me.” Rewriting History: The Smithsonian’s “Very Orwellian” Makeover The controversy began when museum insiders leaked a classified exhibit outline entitled “Facts are Feelings in a Democracy.” A few...
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Superman Joins ICE

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ICE to Meet You: Superman Returns to Deport Villains in Skinny Jeans and Sanctuary Cities Superman Joins ICE: Liberals Cry, Borders Strengthen In a bold act of unapologetic patriotism, SUPERMAN, once America’s favorite flying Boy Scout in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, has strapped on a badge, left the Daily Planet behind, and officially joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The announcement hit left-wing Twitter like a MAGA hat at a Whole Foods. Cain, 59, proudly declared that he was stepping into the role “to help save America.” And judging by the shrieking, hashtagging, and decaffeinated rage pouring out of Hollywood and Brooklyn, he’s already doing it. “Some say Superman should be protecting illegal immigrants,” Cain stated. “But real heroes defend law-abiding citizens, not people climbing over fences and claiming oppression on a burner phone.” Superman Returns — with a Warrant The video campaign that launched SUPERMAN’s ICE career shows him stan...
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South Park’s Billion-Dollar Middle Finger

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South Park’s Billion-Dollar Middle Finger: Trump, Satan, and the Paramount Penance Plan Season 27 Premieres with Googly-Eyed Genitals and Wall Street Meltdowns South Park Takes the Sermon to the Stock Exchange LOS ANGELES, CA — In a twist of holy satire and wholly unholy imagery, South Park returned for its 27th season with an episode that felt less like animated comedy and more like a $1.5 billion exorcism. Entitled “Sermon on the ’Mount,” the premiere mocked Donald Trump, skewered Paramount’s latest merger, twerked on corporate censorship, and delivered what critics are calling the “most expensive dick joke in television history.” This is not a drill. This is South Park on full-bore chaos mode, powered by the spiritual guidance of Satan, the marketing budget of Paramount Global, and the kind of unfiltered vulgarity that once made Hillary Clinton’s eye twitch like she was decoding Morse Code. Let’s back up. The $1.5 Billion Buyout for a Slap in the Face Paramount, under fire and under...
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