The Boeing Starliner
The Boeing Starliner: America’s First Luxury Orbital Hotel (That Forgot the Exit Door)
LOW EARTH ORBIT— What began as a historic collaboration between NASA and Boeing has become the world's first documented case of space-based squatting. Astronauts Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams, originally scheduled for a quick eight-day pit stop at the International Space Station, have instead taken up permanent residency. The Starliner, Boeing's crowning achievement in aviation-underachieving, has failed to thrust, failed to dock smoothly, and most importantly, failed to leave.
"It’s like living inside a Roomba that forgot where its charging dock is," said an unnamed astronaut familiar with the situation, speaking through a tin can tied to 250 miles of string due to continued telemetry issues.
The Thruster That Whispered, “Nah”
What exactly went wrong? Well, Boeing engineers describe it as a “minor setback in attitude control.” For the rest of us, that’s technical jargon for “we launched two highly-trained professionals into orbit on a billion-dollar Keurig machine, and it decided not to brew.”
According to a leaked NASA report titled "Please Don’t Blame Us, Elon’s Was Worse Once," the Starliner’s thrusters failed during critical flight segments. They ignited briefly—then ghosted the astronauts like a Bumble match with trust issues. NASA’s official line? “The system defaulted into an alternate attitude mode.” In layman’s terms: it panicked.
Helium Leaks and Hot Gas
Multiple helium leaks were also detected—five to be exact—leading experts to believe that Starliner may have been designed using rejected balloon animals from a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Helium is a critical component for valve operation and pressurization, but on this mission, it was more like the confetti after the party ends: unnecessary and everywhere.
A leaked internal Boeing chat log, humorously titled “Houston, We Have a Burp,” reveals:
Engineer 1: “Hey, are we supposed to be losing helium?”
Engineer 2: “Depends. How much is too much?”
Engineer 3: “I can’t hear you over the balloon noises.”
The Great Escape Plan: SpaceX Saves the Day
Because when your spaceship won’t come back, who do you call? SpaceX, obviously. Elon Musk, sporting a cape and holding a wrench fashioned from Tesla parts, tweeted:
"If they die up there, I’ll personally host the funeral on Mars."
SpaceX’s Crew Dragon is now on standby as the cosmic Uber to collect Boeing’s overextended guests. This has created the unprecedented scenario of Boeing astronauts possibly coming back home in a competitor’s ride—kind of like your limo breaking down and Lyft picking you up in a beat-up Corolla with rave lights and a scented pine tree.
Welcome to the ISS Extended Stay Suites
Initially, the astronauts expected to spend eight days onboard the ISS. Now they're approaching their ninth month. NASA has tried to spin this as a “unique long-term exposure opportunity.” Translation: “We’ll call it science if it means we don’t have to explain how the return capsule became a glorified storage locker.”
ISS Commander Yuri Whatsisface was quoted muttering in Russian, “We were not expecting guests. This is space, not Airbnb.”
Boeing’s PR Strategy: Pivot to Hospitality
After a string of mechanical issues and a damning report that noted Starliner’s inability to maintain stable orientation, Boeing has decided to lean in. The company is reportedly developing a new marketing strategy that frames the capsule as “America’s premier space hotel experience.”
A leaked advertisement script reads:
“Looking for zero gravity and zero chances of coming home?
Try Starliner—Boeing’s orbital retirement home.”
Astronauts Learn Plumbing, Cosmetology, and Meditation
With so much downtime, astronauts Butch and Suni have reportedly acquired new hobbies. According to mission control transcripts, they’ve:
Started a podcast called "Thrust Issues."
Invented a zero-G kombucha.
Written a musical titled "Les Jetables."
They’ve also become certified in HVAC systems, having repaired every leak with a roll of duct tape and passive-aggressive optimism. One eyewitness report claims they attempted to bribe the ISS robotic arm to give them a nudge home.
NASA’s Position: Everything Is Fine. Probably. Maybe.
NASA has released multiple reassuring statements, most of which sound like the IT guy telling you to reboot:
“The astronauts are safe. The systems are stable. The helium is festive.”
“Returning them home remains a top priority… behind the Artemis program and finishing the new break room.”
When asked about Boeing's performance, a NASA administrator reportedly replied, “We don’t comment on individual partners, but we’ve recently become quite fond of redundancy. Like, you know, a backup capsule. Or two.”
Public Opinion: “Well, At Least It Wasn’t Spirit Airlines”
A Gallup poll shows that 62% of Americans think the astronauts should “just stay up there until Boeing figures it out,” while 17% believe they were part of a reality TV show called "Survivor: Low Earth Orbit."
The remaining 21% weren’t aware humans were still going to space and thought Starliner was a new flavor of Mountain Dew.
Congress Responds by Holding a 14-Hour Hearing Featuring Zero Engineers
In the wake of the fiasco, Congress sprang into action—by grandstanding. The House Committee on Space Bungling and Bafflement summoned Boeing executives and NASA spokespeople to explain what the hell happened.
Representative Louie McSnark (R-TX) opened with:
"If these astronauts ain't back by football season, I’m filing a Freedom of Information Act request with God."
The hearing concluded with no meaningful action, but C-SPAN ratings spiked briefly.
A Comedy of Errors, and a Tragedy of Thrust
For Boeing, the Starliner mission has been a slow-motion banana peel slip. The capsule, originally slated for commercial human transport, is now better known for helium leaks, thruster failures, and a return timeline that sounds suspiciously like purgatory.
The company’s official statement:
“We remain committed to innovation, excellence, and slightly less helium next time.”
Unofficially, one Boeing intern was overheard saying, “Maybe we should’ve let IKEA build it.”
Boeing Corp - A satirical cartoon illustration in the style of classic MAD Magazine, inspired by Bohiney Magazine. The scene shows a Starliner space capsule floating aimle... - bohiney.com
Helpful Content for the Modern Space Traveler
Tips for Surviving an Indefinite Space Layover:
Bring Snacks: NASA freeze-dried ice cream lasts forever, but tastes like drywall.
Develop a New Skill: Crochet is surprisingly rewarding in zero gravity.
Rebrand Your Experience: You’re not stranded, you’re a “celestial expatriate.”
Start a Cult: Astronaut Butch Wilmore now leads The Orbital Order of the Five Thrusters.
Pretend You Meant to Stay: When people ask, say, “It was always a sabbatical.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
"You know your spaceship’s broken when the ISS has to ask, ‘So... what’s your long-term plan here?’" — Jerry Seinfeld
"It’s like they put a Roomba, a leaf blower, and a prayer inside a soup can and called it ‘innovation.’" — Ron White
"They said it was a round-trip. Turns out it’s more of a space Airbnb—no checkout date." — Amy Schumer
"If the thrusters don’t work, just throw rocks behind you. That’s physics, right?" — Chris Rock
"The last time something this expensive went this nowhere, it was a Kanye West presidential campaign." — Larry David
"At this point, even Spirit Airlines looks like NASA." — Sarah Silverman
Conclusion: The Real Mission Was Endurance
In the end, Boeing’s Starliner mission may not be remembered for pioneering commercial spaceflight, but for pioneering the art of the orbital oopsie. If nothing else, they’ve provided the American public with what they truly crave: a high-stakes comedy playing out 250 miles above Earth. With helium. And awkward press conferences.
It’s a story of human perseverance, corporate denial, and the unshakeable optimism of two astronauts who now refer to Earth as “the downstairs neighbor.”
Auf Wiedersehen!
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy and a farmer. Neither has a degree in rocket science, but both can spot a helium fart in a space suit from a mile away. All errors are the result of high-altitude sarcasm, not AI. We did not write this on a space station—though we might have done it from the back of a tractor using dial-up WiFi powered by moonshine fumes.
BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine since 1947. The scene shows a group of frantic Boeing engineers in a high-tech lab holding colorf... - bohiney.com
15 Observations on the Starliner Mission
The Extended Stay Package
NASA's "eight-day cruise" turned into a nine-month lease. Who knew space had timeshares?
SpaceX: The Cosmic Uber
When your ride breaks down, you call a tow truck. When your spaceship breaks down, you hitch a ride with Elon Musk.
Boeing's New Motto: "To Delay and Beyond!"
Boeing's Starliner faced delays longer than a DMV line on a Monday morning.
The Thruster That Could(n't)
Starliner's thrusters had one job: thrust. Instead, they took a prolonged coffee break.
Helium Leaks: The Party's Over
Helium leaks in space are like party balloons escaping mid-celebration—except you're 250 miles above Earth.
NASA's New Fitness Program: Zero-G Extended Stay
Forget gym memberships; just get stranded in space for nine months.
Boeing's Customer Service: "Please Hold... in Orbit"
"Your return flight is important to us. Please remain on the line... indefinitely."
Astronauts' New Skill: Space Plumbers
When helium leaks, who you gonna call? Apparently, yourself.
The ISS: Now with Extended Stay Amenities
NASA's astronauts got an unplanned upgrade to the ISS's long-term stay facilities.
Boeing's Starliner: The Little Capsule That Couldn't
Boeing's Starliner had more issues than a reality TV show.
Astronauts' Families: "See You Next Year?"
"Honey, I'll be home in a week." Nine months later: "About that..."
NASA's New Slogan: "Expect the Unexpected"
When space missions come with more plot twists than a soap opera.
The SpaceX Rescue: Elon to the Rescue
When in doubt, call Musk. He'll bring you home.
Boeing's PR Team: Masters of Spin
Turning "we're stuck in space" into "we're extending our mission."
Astronauts' New Hobby: Space Gardening
With all that extra time, might as well start a zero-G vegetable patch.
BOHINEY NEWS - A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine since 1947. A Starliner space capsule sits on a red carpet at a glamorous event, wearing oversize... - bohiney.com
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