The Ron White Roast
Front Row at the The Ron White Roast
“Tater Salad & Regret: A Roast of Ron White”
Red Carpet Madness: Tuxedos, Tequila, and One Flaming Cowboy Hat
If Texas ever declares independence again, historians will trace it back to The Ron White Roast—a scorched-earth comedy ritual so bourbon-soaked it made the Salem witch trials look like brunch. Held inside a Fort Worth steakhouse that doubles as a gun range on weekends, the roast was billed as “Tater Salad with a Side of Slap.”
Guests walked the red carpet, which was technically just a bloodstained carpet salvaged from a failed Whataburger pop-up.
The dress code?
"Wrinkled denim and financial regret."
🎥 Red Carpet “Highlights” (Bohiney Style)
Willie Nelson arrived in a cloud of smoke so thick it delayed three departing flights.
Larry the Cable Guy wore a tuxedo vest made of truck tarp and declared, “It’s formal, but fixable with duct tape.”
Matthew McConaughey strolled in shirtless, barefoot, and whispered to reporters, “Time is a flat brisket, man.”
Dolly Parton descended from a mechanical bull while singing “9 to 5” and curing several guests of depression.
Dr. Phil, uninvited but unbothered, crashed the event in a lab coat and insisted he was Ron’s “emotional mechanic.”
One of Ron’s ex-wives showed up wearing a sash that read “I Survived Three Tours of Ron.”
Ron White himself arrived 42 minutes late, cigar in hand, stumbling out of a stretched Rascal scooter labeled “Booze Cruise 2023: Panama City Memories.”
The Roast Begins: Jeff Ross Lights the Fuse (and the Curtain)
Inside the venue—where the décor consisted of framed Ron White mugshots and a taxidermy bear in a cowboy hat—Jeff Ross opened the show with a torch so fiery it triggered a grease fire in the kitchen.
“Welcome to the roast of Ron White—America’s favorite whiskey bottle with legs. Tonight, we’re not pulling punches—we’re pulling medical records, arrest reports, and two of Ron’s ex-wives off the drink menu.”
Ross also thanked the crowd for showing up despite “the threat of Ron performing CPR on himself if this goes sideways.”
Highlights from the First Hour (Rated R for Roast)
🎙️ Kathleen Madigan
Breezed onstage with a glass of Irish courage and immediately threw shade like she was auditioning for a Real Housewives reboot called Whiskey Wives of the Midwest.
“Ron ages like a smoked ham: salty, stringy, and found in places it doesn’t belong.”
“I once saw Ron order a whiskey with a whiskey chaser. That’s not a drink—that’s a hostage negotiation with his liver.”
She also read a fake Yelp review Ron once allegedly left at a Motel 6 in Tulsa:
“Room smelled like my childhood and the manager looked like my second stepmom. Five stars.”
🎙️ Larry the Cable Guy
Stumbled up with a plate of nachos, three koozies, and the confidence of a man who’s never read his own bank statements.
“Ron’s the kind of guy who keeps a bottle of whiskey in his glovebox—for his car.”
“I asked him his thoughts on gun control and he said, ‘Use both hands.’”
He then accidentally turned on his own mic pack, broadcasting his inner thoughts: “Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart.”
Satirical Tweetstorm Breaks the Internet
Meanwhile, Twitter imploded. Or maybe that was just Elon Musk firing the servers again. Either way, the tweets rolled in:
🕊️ @OfficialDolly: “Ron White’s roast is the first time I’ve laughed, cried, and considered filing a restraining order—all in one evening.”
🕊️ @FakeBetoForTexas: “The roast of Ron White is the only bipartisan event in Texas. Left or right, we all agree the man needs a water sponsor.”
🕊️ @AI_DrPhil: “I’m not saying Ron has issues, I’m just saying his liver filed an HR complaint against him.”
🕊️ @SnoopDogg420Real: “Yo, this roast hittin harder than my tour bus AC.”
🕊️ @TSA_Dallas: “Reminder: Ron White is not allowed to pack jokes over 3oz in carry-on.”
Audience Check-In
Bohiney’s field correspondent, “Tequila Tina,” polled guests for reactions:
“I laughed so hard my Spanx shifted. I think I’m pregnant again.” — Lana from Lubbock
“This is the most fun I’ve had since the IRS audited me drunk.” — Tater Salad superfan wearing a Ron 2008 tour shirt and no pants
“Honestly, I thought this was a church revival. But the body of Christ tastes like bourbon here.” — Pastor Randy, by accident
Closing Out Hour One: Intermission or Intervention?
At the end of hour one, Ron stood, toasted the crowd with a glass of “aged regret,” and slurred:
“I’m honored to be here tonight. Mostly ‘cause I forgot I had agreed to it. But y’all are somethin’ else. I haven’t seen this many people looking at me since my last blood panel.”
He then hugged the mechanical bull, gave a brief TED Talk on why cargo shorts are a human right, and was escorted backstage for a "re-whiskeying."
🎤 Nikki Glaser Opens Hour Two with Surgical Precision
Nikki Glaser, looking like a CrossFit dominatrix with a mic, walked onstage and immediately owned the room.
“I love Ron. I really do. He’s like America: charming, bloated, and completely dependent on foreign oil.”
She sipped from a glass of water and stared at the audience.
“This isn’t vodka, by the way. I drink water because I still want my skin to stay on my face. Ron drinks bourbon because he thinks hangovers build character and destroy evidence.”
Glaser then pulled out a laminated photo of Ron from 2005, back when his neck had hope.
“Ron’s the only guy who gets older and somehow wetter.”
Top Glaser Kill Shots:
“Ron White’s body isn’t aging—it’s protesting.”
“His liver isn’t failing, it’s unionizing.”
“Ron, you’re what happens when a cowboy gets rejected by Marlboro and recruited by Uber Eats.”
The audience laughed so hard someone passed out in the gluten-free jalapeño popper tray.
🎤 Dave Chappelle: Jazz, Philosophy, and Ron White’s Career as Performance Art
In a surprise walk-on that made several open mic comics quit comedy forever, Dave Chappelle strolled onstage puffing a cigarette, sipping something brown, and already shaking his head at Ron like a disappointed uncle at a family reunion slash fire drill.
“Ron White… my man. This dude has been drunk since Y2K and somehow more relevant than half the country’s elected officials.”
He paused, let the silence hang like Ron’s unfiled taxes.
“Ron White is Texas. He’s old, loud, probably armed, and never once apologized for existing.”
Chappelle riffed like he was playing stand-up jazz: half-beat observations, soulful digs, and one long monologue comparing Ron to a Southern-fried philosopher who trades life wisdom for buffalo wings.
“Ron once told me, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it comes back with a bottle of scotch and a bad haircut, marry it.’ That man’s been married four times.”
🧠 Ron White’s Liver Takes the Stage (via Puppet & Pre-Recorded Gilbert Gottfried)
And then… it happened.
A sock puppet in a sparkly blazer was carried onstage by a visibly embarrassed puppeteer in medical scrubs. A hush fell over the audience. From the speakers, the unmistakable, pre-recorded voice of the late Gilbert Gottfried shrieked:
“HELLO, YOU UNGRATEFUL WASTEBASKETS. I’M RON WHITE’S LIVER, AND I’VE SEEN THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE KEITH RICHARDS GO VEGAN.”
The puppet performed a 3-minute monologue, which Bohiney has preserved for comedy justice:
🎭 Puppet Transcript: Ron White’s Liver Speaks
“I’ve been soaked in bourbon, fried in regret, and marinated in pulled pork sweat. I’ve filed for emancipation three times and been denied every time by a judge named ‘Jim Beam.’”
“Ron has used me like a rental. No oil change. No maintenance. Just high-speed benders and gas station sushi.”
“Do you know what it’s like to process tequila, rage, and four failed marriages? I AM THE LOUISIANA SWAMP OF ORGANS.”
“And yet… I endure. Because this man—this disaster with eyebrows—needs me. I’m the only thing standing between him and full-blown Tom Waits cosplay.”
“Ron White… I salute you. Mostly because I’m too bloated to bow.”
💬 Audience Reaction: Unclear if Applauding or Having Medical Episodes
One woman cried. A man proposed. A cowboy in the back shouted, “That liver makes more sense than my pastor!” Several people began Googling “Gilbert Gottfried séance cameo policy.”
📢 Bohiney Poll: “Which Part of Ron White’s Roast Broke You Emotionally?”
27%: Nikki Glaser’s takedown of Ron’s “scented regret” cologne
34%: Dave Chappelle comparing Ron to a “leather recliner with a podcast”
21%: The sock puppet liver demanding a raise
18%: The moment Ron thanked his hat for being “the only stable thing in my life since 1989”
🛑 Protest Outside: “Comedians for Clean Living” Hold Picket Signs with Zero Irony
Outside the venue, a small but aggressive group called Comedians for Clean Living (CCL) held signs that read:
“Stop Glorifying Scotch Abuse!”
“Jokes Kill Brain Cells!”
“Ron White Is NOT a Salad!”
They were ignored. Mostly by Ron, who flicked a cigar in their general direction and muttered, “Amateurs.”
📸 Bohiney Captures These Red Carpet Mid-Roast Moments:
Larry the Cable Guy passed out in the green room with nacho cheese in his belt buckle.
Dolly Parton gave an impromptu sermon about resilience, rhinestones, and Ron’s inability to age gracefully.
Matthew McConaughey meditated in a meat freezer for “spiritual humidity.”
Ron’s third ex-wife tried to sell bootleg DVDs of his DUI arrest to raise funds for “emotional rehydration.”
Ron’s Closing Shots, A Dance-Off with Death, and the Afterparty That Ended Texas
The air inside the venue had become a thick stew of cigar smoke, flop sweat, and existential dread, also known in Texas as "ambiance." The sock puppet had stolen the show. Nikki Glaser had nuked three generations of masculinity. And Ron White, bourbon ambassador and denim philosopher, still had the mic.
As the crowd screamed, chugged, and updated their living wills, Ron White took the stage for his final word.
🎤 Ron White’s Closing Roast Response
Ron ambled to the mic like a man who had lost three stepfathers in a bar fight—but emerged victorious with their pensions. Holding a tumbler filled with liquid that could dissolve state secrets, he looked out over the crowd, took a drag from his cigar, and exhaled like a tired bull ready for one last goring.
“Y’all been real nice to me tonight. And by nice, I mean I’ve been emotionally violated by several comedians and a sock puppet voiced by Satan’s auctioneer.”
“I’ve been roasted harder than a truck stop brisket, and I smell about the same.”
“When I started comedy, all I wanted was to drink for free and maybe get mistaken for someone famous in a gas station bathroom. I’ve achieved one of those goals.”
“I’ve been married four times, divorced three, and ghosted by one who’s technically still here. I call her ‘The Undead.’”
“I’ve played 1,200 cities, bombed in 200, blacked out in 600, and woken up in a Denny’s kitchen twice.”
“And yet, somehow… I still got my hair, my boots, and enough fans to fill a minor-league stadium with bad decision energy. So screw you, AARP—I ain’t done.”
Ron then raised his glass, toasted his liver, the crowd, and “whoever left their dentures in the urinal,” and walked off to a standing ovation backed by a live acoustic version of “Whiskey Lullaby” played by a man on an out-of-tune banjo.
🎊 Afterparty Mayhem: Sponsored by Gatorade and Court-Ordered Apologies
The afterparty was held in the adjacent parking lot, which had been transformed into a makeshift honky-tonk by pushing aside the mechanical bull and stringing up LED lights from two overturned Monster Energy trucks.
Afterparty Highlights:
Ron White and Willie Nelson challenged each other to a dance-off. No music. Just creaking joints and lung power.
Dr. Phil, still uninvited, offered free trauma counseling from inside a port-a-potty labeled “Emotional Dumping Only.”
Dolly Parton crowd-surfed to a slow jam version of “Jolene,” then cured two gout attacks with a wink.
Larry the Cable Guy fell asleep inside a baked potato food truck and was declared “temporarily starchy.”
A brawl broke out over which ex-wife got to sell the official “Tater Salad Trauma” hoodie.
📉 Bohiney Merch Table Disaster
The Bohiney-exclusive merch table started strong and fell into complete satire by 11:45 p.m. Items included:
“I Survived Ron White’s Roast” Flasks – 100% leak-proof, emotionally or otherwise
"Tater Salad: The Cologne" – Notes of regret, burnt leather, and cigar fog
“Free the Liver” protest signs – Sold out after the puppet’s final monologue
Ron White Yoga Pants – For fans of flexible morality and tighter denim
Signed DUI Mugs – Not mugs with Ron’s signature—actual mugs from Ron’s court appearances
🧃 Celebrity Reactions (Post-Roast Soundbites)
🎤 Dolly Parton:
“I love Ron. He’s like a jukebox full of bad decisions and Southern charm.”
🎤 Matthew McConaughey:
“Time isn’t linear. Ron’s roast proved that. I laughed in the past and got emotionally hungover in the future.”
🎤 Dave Chappelle:
“That roast was jazz. Sloppy, weird, improvised jazz with moonshine in the trumpet.”
🎤 Ron White’s Liver (again, via puppet):
“I’ve seen things. I demand vacation. And electrolytes.”
🐦 Final Fake Tweetstorm
🕊️ @NancyPelosiFake:
“After watching Ron White’s roast, I now understand the Constitution. Burn it all.”
🕊️ @RonWhiteFan42069:
“Just cried, puked, and got married during this show. 10/10.”
🕊️ @PETA_official_parody:
“Ron White’s liver is the only animal we’re not sure how to save.”
🕊️ @NeilDeGrasseFaked:
“The roast proves time slows around Ron’s drinking habits. Einstein was right.”
🎤 Final Moments: A Cowboy Rides Off into Satire
As the crowd slowly sobered (or passed out), Ron mounted the mechanical bull, saluted the crowd with a cigar in one hand and a copy of Field & Stream in the other.
“I may be older, slower, and technically dead inside—but if this is my roast, I want y’all to remember one thing: I came. I drank. I forgot why I was here.”
The crowd cheered. Fireworks exploded in the shape of whiskey bottles. The sock puppet was stolen by a rogue fan. The police were called.
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