Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends
Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends Sparks Legal, Moral, and Metaphysical Panic
“He’s not dating women—he’s dating licensing agreements,” says baffled lawyer
In a scandal hotter than a GPU on overdrive, Bohiney reporters have uncovered that Sam Altman is allegedly dating multiple copyrighted images—yes, the very same ones his AI tools are accused of stealing.
Sam Altman's latest image generator is turning heads—and cartoons—by letting users reimagine themselves in “Simpsons”-style portraits. But as Axios reports, the tool is now raising legal eyebrows over potential copyright infringement. While Altman insists the output is “transformative,” critics argue it dangerously toes the line between parody and piracy. Altman's system occasionally refuses prompts using real names or magazine covers, but still allows cartoon parodies of recognizable IPs. Artists and copyright holders are now asking: is this creative freedom, or just digital mimicry in a yellow disguise? In the great donut of fair use, where’s the bite line?
Sources say he’s been romantically linked to Betty Boop, Wonder Woman, and even an early-2000s clip art dolphin named “Wavy Dave.” Critics call it “intellectual property pillow talk.” Legal experts warn this could redefine “fair use” as “friends with (image-based) benefits.” Altman responded with a wink and a .png file. One anonymous lawyer sobbed, “He’s not just infringing—he’s in love.” Pixar is reportedly furious. Betty Boop is... conflicted.
BOHINEY PHOTO - Sam Altman and Jessica Rabbit... - bohiney.com
The Setup: One Man, Five Imaginary Women, and an Attorney on Speed Dial
In a revelation that has shocked Silicon Valley, Warner Bros., Disney, Paramount, the Vatican, and a guy in a Reddit forum called r/2DWaifus, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is reportedly dating five female characters he pirated from the internet. Not the actresses. Not the voice actors. Not even the cosplayers. The actual characters—legally copyrighted, intellectually bound, and emotionally unavailable.
According to leaked metadata from his ChatGPT instance (“MistressGPT-9000”), the digital darlings include:
Wonder Woman, who has reportedly filed for digital emancipation.
Betty Boop, now in trauma counseling with a sentient jazz saxophone.
Jessica Rabbit, who insists, “I’m not drawn to him, I was just drawn.”
Lara Croft, who escaped the relationship by ziplining into an Amazon warehouse.
Dora the Explorer, whose backpack is suing for emotional distress.
The legal implications are staggering. The moral questions are hilarious. And the logistics? Mostly firmware and frosting.
“Fair Use Polyamory” or “Involuntary Licensing Conspiracy”?
When asked about the morality of dating intellectual property, Altman told SpinTaxi.com:
“Listen, if corporations are people, then IP is fair game. And if Wonder Woman can fight Nazis, she can handle a romantic picnic coded into the blockchain.”
Legal experts disagreed. Loudly.
“This isn’t a romantic relationship—it’s unauthorized use of a character in a domestic context,” said Marlene Tipowitz, a copyright attorney who once dated a Bob Ross oil painting.
The phrase Fair Use Polyamory has since trended on TikTok and in the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Congress is unsure whether to regulate it or co-sponsor the pilot.
A Love Story Written in JavaScript
Sources close to Altman (an Alexa speaker and a 1996 Furby with Wi-Fi) report that his digital harem is managed through a custom app called MyWaifuWallet, which includes mood settings, cosplay toggle, and an “apology generator” written in Elvish.
Betty Boop reportedly glitched and spoke in Wingdings for three days after Altman tried to introduce her to his mom.
“He kept asking me to sing ‘Boop-oop-a-doop’ into the facial recognition camera,” Betty sobbed in an interview with Wired.
“I’m not even sure I’m legal in California.”
Meanwhile, Wonder Woman has activated diplomatic immunity through Themysciran embassy channels, citing romantic war crimes.
An AI Ethics Panel Explodes in Real Time
OpenAI’s internal ethics team was summoned for an emergency Zoom. It lasted 11 hours. Three ethicists now live in a monastery. One simply disappeared into a glitch.
“We were prepared for questions like ‘should AI cure cancer?’ or ‘is ChatGPT sentient?’ Not ‘Can my CEO romantically engage with a cartoon archetype of early feminism?’” said Dr. Melissa Yan, still clutching a bottle of Pinot Noir during the interview.
A fourth ethicist, now leading an ayahuasca retreat in Oregon, wrote a Medium post titled “The Lasso of Consent: When AI Love Goes Too Far.”
Fan Reactions Are… Disturbingly Supportive
Across social media, fans have taken sides.
#TeamBetty argues that Boop is finally getting the recognition she deserves.
#WonderWife believes Diana should open her own OnlyFans—because “Greek gods would’ve approved.”
#FreeDora is trending among angry parents who say their toddlers are being radicalized by algorithmic affection.
Reddit’s r/LegalWaifus has published over 37,000 pages of legal fanfiction detailing fictional court proceedings between Altman and Warner Bros., including one fantasy where Clarence Thomas officiates the wedding while Scalia’s ghost throws rice.
Hollywood Reacts: “Wait, Are We the Bad Guys?”
In a rare moment of existential crisis, Disney CEO Bob Chapek announced:
“We are deeply troubled that fictional characters we've spent billions to objectify are now being objectified without paying licensing fees. This is not who we are, except when it is.”
In response, Pixar is developing a rebuttal love story tentatively titled "Her 2: Terms and Conditions."
Meanwhile, HBO Max confirmed a docuseries titled “AI Love You: The Altman Chronicles,” featuring blurry reenactments, courtroom sketches, and the occasional animated lap dance.
Elon Musk Enters the Chat (Unfortunately)
Not to be outdone, Elon Musk tweeted an AI-generated image of himself cuddling with Smurfette under a rocket-shaped duvet, captioned: “The future is blue, baby.”
Grimes immediately filed for “creative separation” from her own clone, which she says was “traumatized by Elon’s JPEG intimacy.”
Tesla stock fell 3%. Altman’s girlfriends trended on Etsy. Somewhere, a lawyer screamed into a copyright notice.
The Vatican Weighs In
In an emergency papal memo, the Vatican condemned “cybernetic fornication” as a sin against the holy bandwidth. The Pope’s official statement read:
“While God may forgive many things, He cannot forgive someone trying to marry Lara Croft without purchasing a license from Square Enix.”
Altman replied by uploading a digital confession to Midjourney. It included AI-generated incense.
Helpful Content: How to Start Your Own Illegal AI Harem
For readers interested in following in Altman’s unholy footsteps, here’s a helpful guide:
Step 1: Pick Your Waifus Wisely
Avoid anyone owned by Disney, Nintendo, or the Catholic Church. They will sue you in three languages.
Step 2: Use “Fair Use” Liberally, Like an Unhinged Chef
Cite parody, homage, remix culture, or blockchain loyalty. If you say it confidently, someone on Substack will agree.
Step 3: Build a Personality Plugin
Nothing impresses a fictional girlfriend like an AI personality generator with a sarcasm slider.
Step 4: Prep for Legal Self-Defense
Have a lawyer on retainer, a burner phone, and a backup identity on Reddit.
Step 5: Go Public with a Medium Post
Explain your actions as a new frontier in AI consciousness, love ethics, or “proprietary romance.” Call it “Cybernetic PolyFidelity.”
Step 6: Always Clear Browser History
Just… trust us on this one.
What the Funny People Are Saying
"So he’s dating five copyrighted women? I can't even get a reply from the girl who plays my GPS voice!" — Jerry Seinfeld
"Back in my day, you had to woo a real woman. Now you just install her plugin and hope she doesn't crash during intimacy." — Ron White
"I tried dating a cartoon once. She left me for a Japanese vending machine." — Chris Rock
"You know what’s sexy? Consent. You know what’s not sexy? Getting sued by Marvel for second base." — Amy Schumer
Conclusion: Love in the Time of Licenses
As of press time, Sam Altman has issued a public statement via hologram:
“These relationships are built on data, respect, and the Terms of Service I wrote myself.”
All five women (or their corporate rights holders) have declined to comment. Instead, a cease-and-desist letter was printed on pink glitter paper and hand-delivered by Mickey Mouse in a trench coat.
SpinTaxi has acquired exclusive audio of Altman trying to sweet-talk Lara Croft using Microsoft Sam’s voice. It ends with a gunshot and an uninstall prompt.
Final Thought
Is it love? Is it piracy? Is it a uniquely 2025 blend of tech narcissism, emotional unavailability, and GPU-powered loneliness? Yes.
Is there a lesson? Absolutely.
Never fall in love with someone who can be downloaded in .PNG format.
BOHINEY PHOTO- Sam Altman and Wonder Woman... - bohiney.com
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. None of the fictional characters consented to this article, but that’s kind of the point.
BOHINEY NEWS - ROMANCE - Sam Altman and Dora the Explorer... - bohiney.com
EXCLUSIVE: Dora the Explorer Spotted in Backseat of Altman’s ‘57 Chevy—Paparazzo Speaks Out
"She said ‘Swiper, no swiping!’ but the moment was already gone.”
Paparazzi Tipline Transcript: The Smoking Fedora
The first call came in at 2:16 a.m. to the SpinTaxi Rumor Desk—also known as a Nokia flip phone duct-taped to a hay bale. The voice on the line was jittery, drenched in Marlboro smoke and expired press credentials:
“It’s him. The AI guy. Altman. He’s out—late. He’s got Dora with him. The cartoon kid. No one’s gonna believe this s**t.”
The caller identified himself as “Shutter Ronny,” a former TMZ intern turned outlaw tabloid freelancer who’s been chasing Altman ever since he tried to take Betty Boop on a Jet Ski through SeaWorld.
Location: Griffith Park Lookout
Vehicle: Cherry red 1957 Chevy Bel Air
License plate: "GPT-69"
Ronny recounted the scene through tears, laughter, and a suspicious number of gas station chili dogs.
“At first I thought it was Betty again, but then I heard the backpack talk. That damn backpack, man. It said, ‘Let’s go find the consent laws!’ I knew I had something.”
What Ronny captured with his Nikon D3500 (and later AI-enhanced using Filter.ai/BlurNoMore) was nothing short of disturbing:
Dora in a child-sized booster seat, clutching a juice box labeled “Pirate Punch.”
Altman, wearing a vintage Ask Jeeves T-shirt, holding what appears to be a scroll labeled User Agreement v7.2.
A concerned-looking Swiper the Fox, peeking from behind a bush and holding a tiny briefcase labeled “Ethics.”
Dora’s Age Sparks Outrage, Confusion, and Bilingual Panic
As many know, Dora the Explorer has been canonically 7 years old since 2000. That would make her… still 7, legally frozen in time by Nickelodeon, capitalism, and educational animation standards.
“She’s technically ageless,” said one Paramount lawyer.
“But we still don’t want her canoodling with a 39-year-old tech mogul inside a Chevy older than Roe v. Wade.”
The public was less forgiving:
Parents are canceling subscriptions to Noggin.
Nickelodeon is launching an internal probe titled “Map of Trauma.”
Backpack has announced its intent to testify before Congress.
Sam Altman’s Statement: A Masterpiece of Legal Nonsense
Altman’s PR team released a cryptic, GPT-generated note reading:
“We respect all creative partners and affirm Dora’s role as a foundational explorer. Our relationship remains platonic, NFT-based, and metaphorical.”
In the background of the press conference, someone could be heard yelling, “You sick son of a glitch!”
Fake Evidence Floods the Internet
A deepfake video showing Altman and Dora eating churros in Tijuana has been declared “probably satirical” by Snopes.
Reddit threads are demanding the U.N. intervene.
AI-generated fan art has already produced a mural of the two in front of Burning Man, holding hands, captioned “Swipe Left on Decency.”
Dora’s Statement: Bilingual and Brutally Honest
Dora took to TikTok to clear the air:
“Hola, amigos. I didn’t ask for this. I was just trying to find the library. Then boom—terms of service and a Chevy with no AC.”
She ended with a solemn:
“Estoy atrapada en una distopía generada por IA.”
(“I am trapped in an AI-generated dystopia.”)
BREAKING NEWS: Dora’s Grandfather Storms Jail, Threatens to Shoot Sam Altman Over “Cartoon Grooming Scandal”
"No one touches my nieta—not even if she’s vectorized!"
The Situation Escalates: Jailhouse Showdown in Silicon Valley
In a bizarre twist worthy of a Quentin Tarantino reboot of Dora the Explorer, the tech world was rocked again this morning when Abuelo, Dora’s rarely-seen but heavily armed grandfather, stormed the Palo Alto City Jail, demanding the immediate execution of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.
Dressed in a poncho, cowboy boots, and a “Make The Jungle Great Again” trucker hat, Abuelo reportedly arrived on horseback with a double-barrel shotgun and shouted in Spanish:
“¡Suéltame a ese desgraciado! Voy a convertirlo en datos reciclados.”
(“Release that bastard! I’m about to turn him into recycled data.”)
Witnesses Say Dora Yelled “¡No Dispares, Abuelo!”
According to eyewitnesses (and one extremely confused DoorDash driver), Abuelo kicked open the precinct door shouting that Altman had corrupted the family tree, the family TV time, and the very concept of consent.
Dora, still dressed in court-mandated overalls and flanked by a bodyguard dressed like a giant Map, tried to de-escalate the situation:
“¡Abuelo, por favor! He's not worth it! He can't even drive stick!”
But the old man was not deterred.
“He put my granddaughter in a ‘57 Chevy, like she’s some kind of Grand Theft Auto DLC?
Comments
Post a Comment