Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch
Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat
Tulsi Gabbard adds traitorous Marxist to Pentagon planning thread, citing autocorrect, spiritual confusion, and “the healing power of open dialogue.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what security analysts are calling “the boldest soft launch of Communism since Bernie Sanders posted shirtless from the sauna,” U.S. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard admitted this week that she “accidentally” added a self-described “traitorous Marxist” to a top-secret group chat discussing imminent airstrikes in Syria.
The Marxist, later identified as Carl “The Dialectic” Mendelbaum, reportedly offered no input on coordinates, but did suggest renaming the mission Operation Proletarian Regret and called drone strikes “an extension of bourgeois impotence.”
“I thought I was inviting Colonel Mendenhall,” Gabbard told Congress. “But my phone autocorrected to Mendelbaum. Honest mistake. Both are men in their 60s with problematic facial hair.”
Lawmakers were alarmed. The NSA, baffled. Twitter? Delighted.
Autocorrect as a Threat Vector
National security experts confirmed what every Millennial already knows: autocorrect will one day kill us all. Whether it’s texting “Let’s ducking go to war” or sharing launch codes with a socialist philosopher who runs a kombucha co-op in Vermont, the risks are real.
A new Pentagon directive now requires all high-level communications to pass the “Maoist Filter,” a biometric scan that analyzes beard length, Birkenstock density, and number of times the word “late-stage capitalism” appears in recent emails.
Who Is Carl Mendelbaum and Why Is He Suddenly Famous?
Carl Mendelbaum, 66, is the founder of Breadlines & Barricades, a Substack newsletter widely read by nine graduate students, one French exchange teacher, and Gabbard’s yoga instructor. Known for his viral screed Why NATO Is Basically a Landlord, Mendelbaum has long argued that "imperialism begins in the inbox."
When reached for comment, he said:
“Frankly, I was honored to be included. I assumed it was a decolonial listening session or perhaps a podcast taping. I brought my own talking stick.”
Sources say he contributed to the thread by sending a PDF titled Drone Warfare and the Dialectic of Despair, followed by a meme of Karl Marx riding a Tomahawk missile like Slim Pickens.
Airstrike Group Chats Are Getting Crowded
The accidental invite has ignited debate over the increasing size of national security group chats. Once limited to presidents, generals, and the guy who delivers the NSA's Panera order, they now often include civilian “observers,” meditation guides, and, occasionally, white wine moms who thought they were RSVPing to a book club.
A leaked screenshot of the Pentagon’s “Operation Orange Sunset” Signal thread shows the following members:
Gen. Curtis “Thunderstick” Monroe
Admiral Justine Reyes
Tulsi Gabbard (Admin)
National Security Intern “Maverick4Prez”
Carl Mendelbaum (accidentally added)
“Nicole_YogaBreathworkDC”
and, for some reason, actor Wilmer Valderrama
At one point, Mendelbaum asked, “Is it too late to propose nonviolent intervention through narrative therapy?” The group replied with the single word: “LMAO.”
Gabbard’s Defense: “Diverse Views Matter”
In her testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, Gabbard doubled down on the importance of dialogue, even when said dialogue includes revolutionary slogans and anti-aircraft poetry.
“Sometimes we need to be challenged. It keeps us humble. Carl brought a perspective that was…not useful, exactly, but refreshing. Like ice water in a missile silo.”
She then launched into an impromptu speech about the intersection of democracy and dream journaling, concluding with a quote from the Dalai Lama, “War is bad, but vibes are worse.”
New Pentagon Policy: “Trotsky Threshold” Test
As a direct result of the incident, the Pentagon has now instituted the “Trotsky Threshold”—a vetting system to weed out users with:
Facial hair that suggests revolutionary tendencies
Past citations in Jacobin Magazine
More than five tweets containing the word “hegemony”
A documented kombucha brewing license
Anyone failing the threshold is automatically assigned to the “Emotional Support Chat” with Marianne Williamson, where all aggressive tendencies are re-channeled into interpretive dance and scented candle reviews.
Mendelbaum’s Final Message: “Proletariat Out.”
After being removed from the chat, Mendelbaum posted a screenshot of the incident on his Substack, claiming he had been “erased by imperial censorship.” He also announced a new Telegram group, Airstrikes of the Oppressed, dedicated to “deconstructing aerial violence and also maybe discussing vegan empanadas.”
His final text to the Pentagon read:
“I get it. My truth makes you uncomfortable. That’s what liberation feels like. Proletariat out.”
He followed it with a gif of a dove flying out of a camouflage helmet.
Public Reaction: “LOL But Also OMG”
A recent Pew poll shows 71% of Americans think “adding a Marxist to a drone war planning session sounds like a Veep episode,” while 24% believe it’s “actually kind of woke.” The remaining 5% were unclear on what a Marxist is, but did say they liked his hat.
One TikTok user posted a dramatic reading of the leaked group chat messages while slow-dancing to Soviet folk music, earning 2.3 million likes.
“We Figured He’d Leak It Anyway.”
In a surprisingly candid press briefing, a Pentagon spokesperson said:
“Honestly, Carl was going to leak this to The Intercept regardless. Might as well let him hear the first draft.”
This is reportedly part of a new strategic policy called “Preemptive Transparency,” in which sensitive information is leaked intentionally to confuse the public through overexposure. In other words: weaponized oversharing.
Even Clippy Is Concerned
Microsoft’s Clippy, now employed by DARPA as a predictive AI interface, has been repurposed to intervene in group chat disasters.
“It looks like you’re trying to start a war. Would you like help selecting only non-Marxist participants?”
Clippy then automatically highlights users who own Das Kapital in hardcover and haven’t paid rent in 18 months.
From Mistake to Movement
In the days since the chat mishap, a growing number of leftist influencers have launched #InviteThePeople campaigns, demanding transparency in military decision-making and brunch menus. Carl Mendelbaum is now rumored to be considering a presidential run under the Democratic Co-Op Party, though some voters are hesitant due to his support for nationalizing rollerblading.
Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat (Part 2)
Tulsi Gabbard’s accidental overshare exposes America’s soft spot for revolution, memes, and rogue philosophers with Telegram channels.
Leaked Group Chat: The Full Reenactment
Thanks to a brave intern who printed the chat log and stapled it to the back of an Arby’s receipt, we now present a redacted but emotionally raw transcript of the Pentagon’s “Orange Sunset” war room:
Tulsi G.: “All — final review for 2 a.m. strikes. Need sign-off.”
Gen. Thunderstick: “Green light from CENTCOM. Standing by.”
Nicole_YogaBreathworkDC: “Remember to ground yourselves before deploying violence.”
Mendelbaum: “Hello comrades. Have you considered the spiritual implications of kinetic imperialism?”
Admiral Reyes: “Who tf is Carl??”
Maverick4Prez: “Is this a test? This feels like a test.”
Tulsi G.: “Oops, wrong Carl.”
Mendelbaum: “War is merely capitalism’s need for catharsis.”
Gen. Thunderstick: “I swear to God, I will launch a missile at Vermont.”
The Marxist’s Manifesto Goes Viral
Carl Mendelbaum followed the chaos with a 14-tweet thread titled “Inside the Belly of the Bomb: One Philosopher’s Journey from Inbox to Incursion.”
Some highlights include:
“Pentagon aesthetic: surprisingly mid. No plants, no kombucha.”
“There is no such thing as an ‘accidental invite.’ There is only structural inclusion.”
“Missile emoji = colonial aggression in pictographic form.”
The thread was shared by AOC, retweeted by Noam Chomsky’s intern, and turned into a slam poem by an Oregon coffee shop called Latte Means Solidarity.
Congress Responds with “Ban the Beards Act”
Congressional panic led to swift bipartisan legislation: the Group Chat Clarity and Revolutionary Filtration Act (GCC-RFA) — also known informally as the Ban the Beards Act. The law would:
Prohibit anyone with facial hair exceeding 3.5 inches from attending digital briefings.
Require philosophical vetting of all usernames with “comrade,” “dialectic,” or “eco-Marxist” in them.
Replace Signal and Telegram with an in-house military messaging app called “BoomTalk.”
BoomTalk’s beta slogan? “War. Without the weird.”
A Pentagon Hiring Frenzy: Now Seeking Chat Moderators
The U.S. War Department has now posted a new job listing:
Position: Tactical Group Chat Moderator (TS/SCI Clearance Required)
Must have strong knowledge of emoji neutrality, ability to detect sarcasm in six languages, and instant identification of revolutionary infiltration via GIF usage.
Applicants are required to complete a training module: “Avoiding the Red Scare in Threads: A Modern Approach to InfoSec.”
Parody Expert Speaks: Dr. Leon Trotsky IV, Georgetown
We reached out to Dr. Leon Trotsky IV, a tenured professor of Revolutionary Rhetoric at Georgetown University, for comment.
“This is classic dialectical infiltration. Marxism spreads through awkward digital inclusion. Today it’s Signal, tomorrow? Spotify playlists. It’s a slippery slope from Karl Marx to Karl from accounting sharing Cold War memes during nuclear briefings.”
He added, “At some point, we must ask — who’s moderating the moderators?”
Helpful Content: How to Tell If Your Slack Channel Is Too Radical
Worried your work chat is becoming a People’s Tribunal? Here’s a guide:
Signs your chat is veering left of Lenin:
All decisions are made by consensus — and take 3 weeks.
Someone adds a channel called #redistribute-the-snacks.
Meeting invites say “Assembly of Equals” instead of “Zoom Call.”
Weekly updates include quotes from Frantz Fanon.
The intern renamed the team “Working Group of the Global South.”
Fixes:
Add a Boomer named Chad who only speaks in bullet points.
Ban exclamation marks — they’re a gateway to manifestos.
Replace “solidarity” with “deliverables.”
The Accidental Marxist Meme Machine
Carl Mendelbaum is now the subject of dozens of memes. The most popular:
“When you’re just here to abolish private property and accidentally get the launch codes.” (Photo: Carl looking confused in a coffee shop)
“That face when you realize you’re the only guy in the chat who doesn’t believe in borders.”
“Me: Trying to vibe. Gabbard: Adds me to the war.”
Instagram influencers are now faking Marxist identities to go viral, leading to the rise of a new microtrend: CommuClout.
Gabbard’s TikTok Apology: “My Bad, Universe.”
In the age of performative contrition, Gabbard took to TikTok to apologize — standing barefoot on a yoga mat surrounded by incense and tactical gear.
“Sometimes the universe gives you unexpected lessons. This week, I learned not to include ideological revolutionaries in kinetic military planning. That’s on me.”
She then did 12 minutes of power yoga to The Internationale (Lo-fi Beats Edition) and offered followers a discount code for Blue Apron: #StopTheStrikeMeals.
Cultural Fallout: Netflix in Talks for “Missile Marxist” Series
Naturally, Hollywood got involved.
Netflix has optioned the rights to the group chat story for a limited series titled “Missile Marxist”, starring:
Oscar Isaac as Carl Mendelbaum
Rosario Dawson as Tulsi Gabbard (no irony lost)
Timothée Chalamet as a sentient drone who becomes self-aware after reading Gramsci
And Joe Rogan as himself
The show will feature one season, nine episodes, and a spin-off podcast: Dialectical Detonation.
Final Thoughts from Carl Mendelbaum
In his farewell post, Carl wrote:
“I did not ask to be added. I was chosen. Not by Tulsi. Not by Signal. But by History. And History has read too much Zizek to care about your defense spending.”
He now lives off-grid in a Vermont yurt, raising radical goats and running a Discord server called #PostModernMunitions.
Bohiney News -Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch... - Alan Nafzger 2
Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat
Tulsi Gabbard accidentally looped a known traitorous Marxist into Pentagon air strike planning, blames “autocorrect and vibes.”
15 Observations
“How did a Marxist get invited to a Pentagon chat?
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