Egyptian Submarine Sinks

Egyptian Submarine Sinks Because Somebody Forgot to Close the Hatch

Why 97.3% of Americans Wouldn't Board Anything Egyptian (Not Even a Sandal)
Egypt called it a "technical oversight," which is a charming way of saying someone forgot to shut the front door-to the ocean. That's not a minor misstep; that's a full-blown "welcome mat for Poseidon." Submarines, historically and scientifically, function best when less of the surrounding sea is invited inside for tea. When your billion-dollar aquatic war machine becomes a colander, that's not oversight-that's undersight. The Egyptian Ministry of Defense insists this was merely a "procedural lapse," as if someone forgot to sign the guest book at a wedding, not flood an entire vessel with Neptune's bathwater. At least the crew was prepared: one sailor reportedly tried to plug the hatch with a travel pillow and sheer optimism. It's the first time in naval history that a submarine was sunk by a light breeze and poor manners. No word yet on whether the ocean accepted Egypt's apology.

The Submerged Pharaoh: Egypt's Navy Forgets Hatch, Submarine Forgets Buoyancy, World Forgets Egypt Has a Navy

Cairo's Deep Sea Blunder Goes Deeper Than the Red Sea
Somewhere off the coast of Alexandria, between a shoal and a hard place, an Egyptian naval submarine executed its most daring maneuver yet: attempting to become an artificial reef-without notifying the fish.
Early Monday, Egyptian defense officials confirmed that a Type 209 submarine, procured from someone's drunk uncle in Bavaria and retrofitted with an espresso machine and optimism, sank to the bottom of the Mediterranean after "a hatch was not fully secured."
Or in the words of Egyptian Naval Admiral Fawzy El-Bloop, "Someone forgot to shut the damn door."
97.3% of Americans Wouldn't Get In or On Anything Egyptian
In a Pew Trust-In-Things-That-Float survey, a staggering 97.3% of Americans reported they "would not trust anything Egyptian for transportation." The remaining 2.7%? All current or former members of improv troupes from Portland who believe "reincarnated pharaohs still vibe with me."
The reasons for this maritime mistrust were clear:
- 43% cited "pyramids don't move so why should anything else"
- 26% said "camels spit"
- 11% had a bad Airbnb experience in Cairo
- 10% blamed it on 'the mummy curse'
- 7% thought Cleopatra was Armenian
- 3% believed submarines were Jewish space lasers underwater
The Hatch Heard 'Round the World
Eyewitnesses reported the sub made a "bloop" sound as it slipped beneath the surface like a party foul at Poseidon's bar mitzvah.
Seaman First Class Hamid El-Drip, who survived by floating in a barrel of tahini, said: "I told the commander the hatch felt breezy. He said, 'That's just sea air, my boy. The ocean loves us.' Then he opened a bag of Cheetos."
Multiple Egyptian officials called the hatch incident "a minor procedural hiccup."
To which Ron White responded:"A hiccup's what happens when you drink too much. This was a full-on military fart in the bathtub." - Ron White
The Pharaohs Didn't Have Submarines for a Reason
Let's be honest: If ancient Egyptians had invented submarines, the Nile would've become a drive-thru.
But as Jerry Seinfeld asked:"What's the deal with Egyptian submarines? You can't even drink the tap water, but sure, let's build a pressure-sealed aquatic death tube." - Jerry Seinfeld
The Type 209 sub was meant to symbolize a new era of Egyptian naval strength. Instead, it joined the ranks of other famous Egyptian underwater disasters, including:
- The 1998 "Sink-o de Mayo" paddleboat massacre
- The time someone tried to turn a pyramid into a floating casino
- That one luxury yacht made entirely out of couscous
What the Funny People Are Saying
"The Egyptian Navy now offers scenic tours of the ocean floor... BY ACCIDENT." - Amy Schumer
"If I wanted to drown in a claustrophobic tube, I'd just read the comments under any news article." - Larry David
"This submarine was so Egyptian, it came with a sand trap and a guy selling you a rug before you boarded." - Sarah Silverman
"It wasn't sabotage. It was 'sabahage.'" - Chris Rock
"Egypt spent $300 million on a submarine that sank because somebody left it on 'sunroof mode.'" - Dave Chappelle
Expert Testimony: A Leak in Logic
We consulted several naval experts, none of whom were Egyptian, because none would respond to our calls after hearing the words "submarine" and "hatch."
Dr. Eugene Schlurp from the U.S. Naval Institute offered insight:
"Submarines are pressurized vessels. If you leave a hatch open, it's like flying a plane with the door ajar - but wetter and sadder."
Meanwhile, Prof. Mahmoud Fikry of Cairo Institute of Strategic Deniability stated:
"This is not failure. This is... vertical innovation."
Egypt has since denied that the sub was "entirely underwater," claiming it was "just engaging in deep concealment strategy," a tactic pioneered during the reign of Ramses II when he hid an entire army inside a giant jackal costume.
The Red Sea: Now Featuring a New Tourist Attraction
The Egyptian Ministry of Tourism has already pivoted, rebranding the sunken vessel as:
"The Lost Submarine of Thebes: A Dive Into Naval Mysticism"
Tickets start at $59.99 and include:
- A waterproof pharaoh hat
- Complimentary wet hummus
- A chance to see a lieutenant clinging to a fire extinguisher
How Did This Happen? A Timeline of Soggy Decisions
- 6:00 AM: Crew boards the submarine. Someone brings pita bread instead of navigation charts.
- 7:30 AM: Commander attempts to show off Bluetooth periscope. Accidentally connects it to his nephew's TikTok.
- 8:45 AM: Hatch reported "open-ish."
- 9:00 AM: Egyptian Navy tweets "Feeling cute, might dive later."
- 9:07 AM: They dive. Forever.
Egypt's Naval Training Manual: Translated
We obtained a leaked copy of the Egyptian Naval Manual. Some highlights:
- Page 4: "Avoid driving submarine through coral reefs, Red Sea Cruise Lines, or goat herds."
- Page 7: "Always knock before entering torpedo room. It may be occupied by a cousin doing vape tricks."
- Page 10: "If hatch feels breezy, it's either a ghost or a mistake. Flip a coin."
Analogy Time: Submarine vs. Microwave
Imagine if your microwave only worked when all the buttons were covered in olive oil, and you had to punch it with hieroglyphics to start. Now imagine crawling inside it with 40 dudes and trusting that the door wouldn't fall off mid-cook.
That's the Egyptian Navy's logic: high-pressure stakes, low-pressure planning.
Ancient History Repeats Itself… But Wetter
Historians note that Egyptian arrogance in transport dates back to Cleopatra, who once tried to cross the Mediterranean in a floating chaise lounge carried by eunuchs in leather Speedos. It sank somewhere near Crete. The chaise was later turned into a tapas bar.
Today's submarine mishap feels eerily similar-except instead of silk sails, we now have leaky bulkheads and iPads running on 3G.
Digital Evidence: Leaked WhatsApp Chat from the Crew
Ahmed: Did anyone close the back hatch?Farouk: Thought you did, bro.Ahmed: I was making TikToks.Farouk: It's fine. Water is chill today.(4 mins later)Ahmed: Yo. My socks are wet.Farouk: Submarines be like that.Captain: WHO THE HELL FORGOT THE DOOR AGAIN?!?
Social Commentary: Americans and Egyptian Stuff
From a cultural standpoint, Americans love Egyptian things... as long as they're old:
- Pyramids? Yes.
- Mummies? Sure.
- Scarabs? Cute.
- Submarines? Hell to the naw.
An Indiana man told SpinTaxi:
"Look, if it wasn't buried in sand for 3,000 years, I ain't touchin' it."
Helpful Content: How To Know If You're Aboard An Egyptian Submarine
- The safety instructions are in hieroglyphics and emojis.
- Your life vest doubles as a falafel tray.
- The navigation system plays only Umm Kulthum songs.
- A guy named Omar insists, "I was in the air force, but this looks easy."
- The periscope is just a GoPro duct-taped to a broomstick.
Survey Says: America's Least Trusted Forms of Foreign Travel
- Egyptian Submarines
- Venezuelan Hot Air Balloons
- North Korean Uber
- Italian Iceberg Tours
- Elon Musk's Spanish-language Boring Company demo
Personal Story: I Once Rode an Egyptian Canoe
It was 2012. I was in Aswan. I paid 20 pounds to ride what appeared to be a hollowed-out refrigerator door. The captain offered me tea, then asked if I could paddle while he handled phone calls. At one point, a goat fell in. We named him Captain.
So no, I wouldn't ride an Egyptian sub either.
Scientific Evidence: Why Hatches Matter
According to the University of Obviousness, the average pressure outside a submarine at 500 feet is roughly:
"A billion freaking pounds."
If the hatch isn't closed, the water doesn't say "excuse me" - it says, "MOVE."
Cultural Deduction: Why Egypt Needs Better Doors
Let's deduce:
- Egypt builds tombs that last millennia.
- Egypt builds subs that last 3 hours.
Hypothesis: Egypt is better at keeping dead people in than keeping water out.
Public Reactions Around the Globe
France: "We surrender to the hilarity."Greece: "At least we're not that bankrupt."Turkey: "We offered to sell them a hatch. They said no. Their loss."Texas: "We'd float that sub in the Guadalupe and call it a theme park."
Quotes from Actual People (Probably)
"I thought submarines were supposed to go under water. Didn't know they had to come back up." - Larry from Missouri
"If Moses could part the Red Sea, why can't they build a sub that doesn't invite it in?" - Gloria, part-time Bible scholar and vape reviewer
"I'm not getting into anything that has to explain itself more than twice." - Phil, retired mechanic
Final Thoughts: The Hatch Was Open… So Are Our Minds
Maybe this isn't just a failure of engineering. Maybe it's a lesson. A lesson about the dangers of hubris, humidity, and half-open hatches.
If nothing else, Egypt has given us the world's first tragicomic aquatic myth since the Titanic, but with less Celine Dion and more baba ganoush.
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings-the world's oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No submarines, goats, or bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this satire-though someone did lose a pair of sandals near Alexandria.

SPINTAXI -- Bohiney News -- Wide cartoon in the style of Bohney News, split like a MAD Fold-In. The left panel shows proud Egyptian naval officers in full uniform celebrating the ... - (satire)

15 Observations

1. Egypt's new motto: "From Pyramids to Plummets."Apparently, engineering peaked at "stacking triangles with dead guys inside." Modern submarines? Not so much.
2. The Egyptian Navy just invented the world's first underwater screen door.That hatch wasn't left open - it was a "natural ventilation feature," according to their defense minister who may also be a pharaoh reincarnated from a cat.
3. 97.3% of Americans said, "Hell no," to Egyptian transportation.According to a Gallup poll: "I won't even ride a camel painted with an Uber logo," said Dale from Arkansas.
4. Egypt called it a 'technical oversight' - we call it "forgetting to shut the front door to the ocean."Submarines work best when less ocean is inside.
5. Egyptian submarines now come with an optional 'Atlantis Mode.'Activates automatically when the hatch is left open. No refunds.
6. The guy who forgot the hatch? Already promoted to Minister of Soggy Affairs.The job comes with a free towel and a lifetime of guilt.
7. Conspiracy theorists claim the hatch was opened by ancient aliens trying to escape."Even we won't ride that thing," one alien was quoted saying while boarding a Greyhound.
8. Egypt's defense strategy now includes "if we sink ourselves, the enemy can't find us."It's called Submarine Hide and Seek, Nile Edition.
9. The training manual was just a papyrus scroll that said: "Try not to drown."There were hieroglyphics of a man weeping next to a bucket.
10. The sonar system was replaced with a guy yelling, "Is anyone there?" into the water.He also forgot to wear pants, which is considered standard protocol in Egyptian naval attire.
11. The average American trusts a Timeshare pitch more than an Egyptian sub.One poll respondent said: "At least the Timeshare doesn't fill with water when I forget my sandals."
12. Egypt's fleet is now officially "BYOH" - Bring Your Own Hatch.Also, flotation devices include beach balls and grandma's Tupperware.
13. Experts say the sub wasn't faulty - it was "cursed."Turns out it was built on an ancient tomb called "Dumb-Khufu."
14. The last GPS ping from the sub read: "Blub."Egyptian tech support said, "Did you try turning it off and drowning?"
15. The Navy's new strategy? Build pyramids underwater.Because apparently, "If you can't beat the water, entomb yourself in it."

SPINTAXI -- Bohiney News -- Wide cartoon in the style of Bohney News, split like a MAD Fold-In. The left panel shows proud Egyptian naval officers in full uniform celebrating the c- (satire) 2 https://bohiney.com/egyptian-submarine-sinks/